Had An Argument With My Step Dad

[Steven001]

Hi everyone,

Just thought I would share this with you all...

I like to consider myself a nice person, someone who is always happy and likes to cheer everyone up. In doing so, I have a tendency to sometimes wind people up a little - mainly just my close Family, but I do it in a fun/joking way.

My step dad also likes to have a laugh, but is always to serious and tense. He never knows how to have a laugh or lighten up. A lot of things that we all might find funny, he doesn't, and usually goes in a mood. For example: My brother, Sister and I have a good relation ship, although I'm 20, we still like to cary on and have a laugh. My brother - twin and I always carry on, you know how it is with brothers, but he's always telling us to stop carrying on/grow up. My Mum however doesn't mind and always sees the funny side of it.

The whole argument came about because I like to have a shower in the morning - heck, who doesn't! But because has one too (and the shower is in their en suite) then I can't have one. I asked if it was OK if I could have one tomorrow before uni, and rather than saying no, he said "Well then the water will be cold for me..." Basically trying to make an excuse rather than just saying no. I asked my mum who was sitting in the living room, and he started telling me to shut up, then calling me an a**hole which led me to calling him a selfish b***ard - which to be fair, he is.

The for the second time in two weeks, he said "If you don't like it, you know where to go". He said he'd throw me out, and I said "I'd like to see you try". I said this while walking up the stairs, he then came up the stairs and was standing face to face exchanging some words. Basically I said if he wants to throw me out he could try, but probably fail.

After than he just went down stairs after some talking and I went for my shower tonight instead. I'm just wondering what I should do? My mum thinks I should sit down and have a talk with him. I don't dislike him, I just think he's selfish.

He also would never let me go in a shower before him while he's in his room, because he feels "uncomfortable".

 

[Matt Sayle]

THis is just my view from the post but he sounds like a k**b. Sorry. Talk to him tell him what you think and see what he has to say. Oh and keep calm, decking him wont hlp matters any

 

[theMusicMan]

^^ what Matt says.

You sound as though you have a sensible head on those young(ish) shoulders, so I'd do exactly that. Tell him (without expressing anger/rage/aggression etc) how he is acting in an immature manner, and if he wants to earn your respect, he needs to buck up his ideas significantly.

Oh, and do talk with your Mum yeah... tell her youlove her. She may be feeling a little isolated and sort of 'in the middle' here. OK.. perhaps as you're her son, you feel she shouldn't feel that way, but it's my guess that she maybe does. Dont' take it out on her.

Good luck...

 

[Steven001]

Oh, and do talk with your Mum yeah... tell her youlove her. She may be feeling a little isolated and sort of 'in the middle' here. OK.. perhaps as you're her son, you feel she shouldn't feel that way, but it's my guess that she maybe does. Dont' take it out on her.

Thanks for the advice.

My mum's great, honest, she always says we come first and has even talked to me about it tonight. She did say I was in the wrong a little for even asking in the first place, but I don't think it's that bit a deal to be honest... it's only a shower! Three cheers for Mums!

 

[CT]

Step relationships are always going to be difficult and there's a lot of give and take required on both sides. He probably finds things just as difficult as you do. Communication is the key. Don't forget your mom is the one who's going to suffer most if it gets nasty.

 

[Steven001]

Step relationships are always going to be difficult and there's a lot of give and take required on both sides. He probably finds things just as difficult as you do. Communication is the key. Don't forget your mom is the one who's going to suffer most if it gets nasty.

Yea I know. It's not like we've just met, it's been 11 years!

 

[CT]

Well, he's not your dad is he, so you're probably going to resent anything he says to you which comes over like he is, or he's trying to be. It takes two to tango Kemo Sabe.

 

[gazedd]

Steven, who's house is it? i feel you need to tell him that its nothing new that you want to shower and be clean, you could slob out and embarress him with smells but i guess he would moan at that too. I'm not a fan of the word "Step-xxx", they are nothing to you IMO, why should you have to justify to him, Only your mum should be you peer.

 

[Steven001]

Well, he's not your dad is he, so you're probably going to resent anything he says to you which comes over like he is, or he's trying to be. It takes two to tango Kemo Sabe.

I know I'm partly responsible. And the above quote is what I intend to use if he blames it all on me.

Steven, who's house is it? i feel you need to tell him that its nothing new that you want to shower and be clean, you could slob out and embarress him with smells but i guess he would moan at that too. I'm not a fan of the word "Step-xxx", they are nothing to you IMO, why should you have to justify to him, Only your mum should be you peer.

They both on the house, the bought and pay for it together. My mum would never throw me out the house, if I went, I suspect she would probably come with me. But I don't plan on going anywhere.

I know, instead I tend just to have a shower in the evening and wash my hair again in the morning, but everyone likes a morning shower. They've been saying for a while they're going to get a shower put in the main bathroom, but that hasn't happened yet.

 

[pie-eater]

Steven, who's house is it? i feel you need to tell him that its nothing new that you want to shower and be clean, you could slob out and embarress him with smells but i guess he would moan at that too. I'm not a fan of the word "Step-xxx", they are nothing to you IMO, why should you have to justify to him, Only your mum should be you peer.

This is complete and utter crap, i have a 20 year old stepson, i have brought him up as my own since he was 5. who the hell gives you the right to say he is nothing to him, when you dont even know the family or circumstances, imo, has he got any reason whatsoever to resent you in any way?, and why?, dont get me wrong we have had our words but only when he was in the wrong (between 14 to 18) lol, I know for a fact he respects me, listens to what i say and takes it on board. Have a sit down and TALK, it can work wonders when any type of mental barrier has gone up, i have never raised my voice, never ever been physical, even with my own son, thats a no,no, but have always managed to iron out our troubles, thats just my opinion. best of luck, get it sorted lifes too short.

 

[hepburn]

Sounds to me like this is nothing more than a "personal space" issue. Grow up fast, respect their space, and suggest to him you install a shower in the main bathroom together one weekend asap.

Life is too short to be causing ructions over what time of day you shower.

Oh, and apologise to him quick too. You might not want to, you might feel you shouldn't have to, but trust me, it will repair the situation quicker than you think if you do it. Something about age and respect me thinks...

 

[Steven001]

This is complete and utter crap, i have a 20 year old stepson, i have brought him up as my own since he was 5. who the hell gives you the right to say he is nothing to him, when you dont even know the family or circumstances, imo, has he got any reason whatsoever to resent you in any way?, and why?, dont get me wrong we have had our words but only when he was in the wrong (between 14 to 18) lol, I know for a fact he respects me, listens to what i say and takes it on board. Have a sit down and TALK, it can work wonders when any type of mental barrier has gone up, i have never raised my voice, never ever been physical, even with my own son, thats a no,no, but have always managed to iron out our troubles, thats just my opinion. best of luck, get it sorted lifes too short.

Sounds like you've done a good job of it too!

My sister was only 5 or something when my mum met my step dad. To be fair, he should be much more of a father figure than he is to her. We all still see our Dad, and he would never be replaced, but I always feel my Step Dad should have made more of an effort, especially as my sister was so young when they met.

He's not a bad guy, just stubborn and selfish.

 

[sportysnaps]

tell him to call a plumber and fix the dammm shower...

better still get your mum to call the plumber...

 

[pie-eater]

Sounds like you've done a good job of it too!

My sister was only 5 or something when my mum met my step dad. To be fair, he should be much more of a father figure than he is to her. We all still see our Dad, and he would never be replaced, but I always feel my Step Dad should have made more of an effort, especially as my sister was so young when they met.

He's not a bad guy, just stubborn and selfish.

steven, are you stubborn, because it could be a clash of similar personallities, like has been said, do something together, does he drive?, get your camera and ask him to take you to a local landmark and spend time together alone, no distractions, nobody taking any sides, just you and him and try and share the time between one another. Neil

 

[Steven001]

steven, are you stubborn, because it could be a clash of similar personallities, like has been said, do something together, does he drive?, get your camera and ask him to take you to a local landmark and spend time together alone, no distractions, nobody taking any sides, just you and him and try and share the time between one another. Neil

I guess I can be a little. I'll sort it out, I'll speak to him tomorrow about it.

 

[pie-eater]

I guess I can be a little. I'll sort it out, I'll speak to him tomorrow about it.

,

I take my hat off to you sir. well done.

 

[dazzajl]

,

I take my hat off to you sir. well done.

Yup, tis a good attitude.

Get it sorted and then get your backside into gear and sod off. You're far too old to be living "at home".

 

[NathanJT]

Yup, tis a good attitude.

Get it sorted and then get your backside into gear and sod off. You're far too old to be living "at home".

Exactly what I thought.

No disrespect Steven but you might find that has a large part to play in why your step dad acts the way he does.

 

[Steven001]

Exactly what I thought.

No disrespect Steven but you might find that has a large part to play in why your step dad acts the way he does.

I wouldn't say 20 is far to old to be living with parents! Besides, I'm still a student - And working 20hrs per week. There's no way I could afford anywhere until I get a full time job.

 

[Jelster]

Steven,

I have a 19 year old son who I love dearly, but even though he's 120 miles away in Bristol, he can still wind me up !

If you're working while you're at Uni, I'd suggest you sit down with him and offer to pay something towards the new shower for the bathroom. If he's a decent bloke he'll see you're trying to make an effort and trying to negate the friction between you, and he'll probably won't make any money off of you anyway.

Life is all about negotiation, and negotiation is all about comprimise. Show him you're making the first move to set things right, then if he doesn't comply:

1) You know where you stand and how much he "values" you

2) Your Mum will see him for the arse that he is.

Steve.....

 

[gazedd]

This is complete and utter crap, i have a 20 year old stepson, i have brought him up as my own since he was 5. who the hell gives you the right to say he is nothing to him, when you dont even know the family or circumstances, imo, has he got any reason whatsoever to resent you in any way?, and why?, dont get me wrong we have had our words but only when he was in the wrong (between 14 to 18) lol, I know for a fact he respects me, listens to what i say and takes it on board. Have a sit down and TALK, it can work wonders when any type of mental barrier has gone up, i have never raised my voice, never ever been physical, even with my own son, thats a no,no, but have always managed to iron out our troubles, thats just my opinion. best of luck, get it sorted lifes too short.

The letters IMO means In My Opinion. So, In My Opinion, the "step dad" has nothing to do with him. An opinion is not based always on truth, its a suggestion of a feeling, My feeling. if i'm wrong in his situation then i apologise, but as a public forum, pubil can provide opinions.
Sorry i offended you but To Be Honest, if anyone other then my parents told me i could not have a shower in the place i call home, i would be having serious words and arguments.
This is basic hygene, his "Step dad" is stopping him from this human right.

 

[theMusicMan]

I agree... if someone states IMO, then this is their opinion and is not wrong nor right, just their opinion. Nobody has the right to tell them they are wrong... it is an opinion and is neither right nor wrong.

I wish people had more tolerance of others views on here...!

 

[Kev M]

This sounds familiar and you might not like what I'm about to say. I had a very simliar relationship with my step-dad. I left home at 16 and joined the RAF before my mum met him, about once a month I used to go hame and visit and not long after my mum married him and moved in. I got the whole my house is your house speach but he didn't like me doing anything without asking his permission. Over the preceeding years we had plenty of these "chats" everyone is talking about. He'd spout some crap about respect, I gave him as much respect as he deserved and the next month we'd be back to square one.

Long story short when my mum wasn't there one day he told me not to bother visiting again. I told my mum and she gave him hell. I never visited or spoke to him again for the next 6 years. I even invited my mum to my wedding and very deliberately left his name off of the invitation. I was well off out of it but instead the rest of my family had to put up with his bad attitude, still I got some small satisfaction out of the fact my mum was still making him suffer. Eventually my mum had enough of his control freak behaviour and left him. The shock of it and the prospect of growing into a very lonely old man has changed him significantly. We are starting to build bridges but I still keep him at arms length, my trust still has to be earned.

I was lucky, I didn't have to live there, my job saw to that and you might not have the same choices I did but I'd say be prepared for a little chat to change sweet F-A. Sometimes it takes a bit of a shock to the system to change a behaviour as it did in my step dads case.

I hope you're situation is more easily resolved than mine was. If all else fails join the RAF

 

[Jimmy_Lemon]

I wouldn't say 20 is far to old to be living with parents! Besides, I'm still a student - And working 20hrs per week. There's no way I could afford anywhere until I get a full time job.

Nah I wouldn't say 20 is too old to be living at home...mainly because I am 25 and still living at home, granted I would move out in a heart beat if I could afford to

Hope you get things sorted though

 

[theMusicMan]

I'm afraid the person who stated that at 20 is too young to be living at home is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. What a rather daft thing to state.

Seesh... some people have no clue eh!

 

[Marcel]

The letters IMO means In My Opinion. So, In My Opinion, the "step dad" has nothing to do with him. An opinion is not based always on truth, its a suggestion of a feeling, My feeling. if i'm wrong in his situation then i apologise, but as a public forum, pubil can provide opinions.
Sorry i offended you but To Be Honest, if anyone other then my parents told me i could not have a shower in the place i call home, i would be having serious words and arguments.
This is basic hygene, his "Step dad" is stopping him from this human right.

So just because he didn't provide the sperm, he is 'nothing'? That's complete rubbish IMO, and I think the exact opposite is true.

Providing the sperm to make a child means nothing. Bringing them up makes you their parent, and THAT is what gives someone the right to act as a parent.

Not saying he isn't selfish, I have no idea, but like said, it takes two to argue and you seem to have a bit of common sense and maturity about you so please use it.

Have you stepped back and thought how he might feel? It is his home first and foremost before yours (He has worked and paid for it), while you are a guest he has chosen to share the home with (along with your mother of course).
I wont quote the 'his house' etc, because that doesn't help matters, but he does have a point. You're 20...at this point if you don't want to live with him anymore...you DO have the option of leaving...he doesn't does he?

Just apologise to him for being an arrogant arse and fronting up to him ("Id like to see you try"), and say you only did it because he's being selfish and unreasonable. All you wanted to do was have a rare shower in the morning, and if you both operate with a bit of give and take, everyone will get along just dandy......

 

[theMusicMan]

Marcel... I have to disagree with you on one point here.

Do you consider your two lovely kids as 'guests' in your home then...? I bet 100% you don't. Of course you don't. This guy came along afterwards... he may pay 50% of the house, but he chose to marry this chaps mother, and as such he agreed to... "for better, for worse" eh. Sounds to me like he's got ideas above his station.

To say he is a guest in his mothers house is nonsense.

 

[Grockle]

Is there no bath in the bathroom? If there is a bath and he is free to use it, then it sounds like junior is just trying to be man of the house and demanding access to all areas.

 

[Marcel]

Yes I do actually. It's my house, not theirs They have to live by my rules. I'll certainly provide concessions allow them a certain freedom in here, and it will always be a home available to them, but if push comes to shove, it's my house.

This guy came along after he was born, yes. But the house belongs to him and the mother...not Steven. He agreed to marry the mother, sure, he even agreed to take the child on too. While he agreed to marry the mother, he took on the responsibility and duty to look after Steven.....it doesn't mean 'my house is just as much as yours too', especially now Steven is old enough to move out

 

[fracster]

Beggars belief that the initial post was made............:thumbsdown:

 

[theMusicMan]

Yes I do actually. It's my house, not theirs

Somehow Marcel, I just don't believe that this is your opinion.:shrug:

 

[CT]

I think we need to get real here people. While in some respects I'm impressed with the maturity with which the OP has responded to some of the points made, we've only heard one side of this story.

I've reared two wonderful sons, but we certainly had our horn locking sessions a few times in those teenage years when they were feeling their feet, and I can only imagine how difficult it would have been for any guy moving in if I'd have run off with one of the local lap dancers!

This is only going to be resolved one way or the other by the people involved, and nothing whatsoever is going to be achieved by us all getting hot under the collar about it on an internet board.

 

[Steven001]

Yes I do actually. It's my house, not theirs They have to live by my rules. I'll certainly provide concessions allow them a certain freedom in here, and it will always be a home available to them, but if push comes to shove, it's my house.

This guy came along after he was born, yes. But the house belongs to him and the mother...not Steven. He agreed to marry the mother, sure, he even agreed to take the child on too. While he agreed to marry the mother, he took on the responsibility and duty to look after Steven.....it doesn't mean 'my house is just as much as yours too', especially now Steven is old enough to move out

Funnily enough, this is what he said to me. I apologised to him for the way I spoke to him and my behaviour towards him. We had a talked and he explained that because I'm now over 16, I'm a guest in "his" house, and if he tells me he wants me out then I there's no law stopping that - which of course, I know, but I couldn't believe he would ever go that far. Anyway, my mum wouldn't allow it.

Oh and they're not married, but they have been engaged for a number of years.

Marcel... I have to disagree with you on one point here.

Do you consider your two lovely kids as 'guests' in your home then...? I bet 100% you don't. Of course you don't. This guy came along afterwards... he may pay 50% of the house, but he chose to marry this chaps mother, and as such he agreed to... "for better, for worse" eh. Sounds to me like he's got ideas above his station.

To say he is a guest in his mothers house is nonsense.

As I said above, that's what he said to me. After knowing and living with him for 11 years then calling me a "guest" was a little harsh imo.

I think we need to get real here people. While in some respects I'm impressed with the maturity with which the OP has responded to some of the points made, we've only heard one side of this story.

I've reared two wonderful sons, but we certainly had our horn locking sessions a few times in those teenage years when they were feeling their feet, and I can only imagine how difficult it would have been for any guy moving in if I'd have run off with one of the local lap dancers!

This is only going to be resolved one way or the other by the people involved, and nothing whatsoever is going to be achieved by us all getting hot under the collar about it on an internet board.

Indeed. I have apologised and we shook hands. To be honest, I was half hoping he would also apologise for his behaviour, but it was not to be. Anyway... that doesn't matter, it's over now, I guess.

 

[CT]

Muh man!!

 

[macky799]

Funnily enough, this is what he said to me. I apologised to him for the way I spoke to him and my behaviour towards him. We had a talked and he explained that because I'm now over 16, I'm a guest in "his" house, and if he tells me he wants me out then I there's no law stopping that - which of course, I know, but I couldn't believe he would ever go that far. Anyway, my mum wouldn't allow it.

I might be reading into this to much but IMHO i think your using the whole my mum wouldn't allow it thing to try and undermine your stepdad and the only person that will hurt in the long run is your mum because she's the one that will have to choose (saying that if my step son wanted to use the shower i would'nt stop him would rather he was clean than get teased at school)

 

[Marcel]

Somehow Marcel, I just don't believe that this is your opinion.:shrug:

Well I can assure you I'm not lying. :shrug: ?

It's my house. I have a duty to provide for them, and give them a warm, loving home in which to grow (amongst all my other duties as a parent), and I will continue to do so for as long as is needed, and where I can.
I allow my children a freedom for it to be their home, but when push comes to shove, it's my house-my rules. Even more so when theyre in their 20's and still living at home (if that so happens).

They are still 'guests' in my house to an extent, and infinitely more so when they become of an age where they *can* move out and make a life of their own, but choose not to. Exactly what Steve's step-dad has said, now he's turned 16 (age is irrelevant here, it's the general age I'm aiming at), he's a guest in their house.

It's his mum and step-dad's house, not his. It's regardless of blood ties TBH

I'm glad it's all sorted now anyway Steven. For you offer the hand to apologise says alot in my opinion. Living with other people is all about give and take.

 

[33L]

My mum has been married before and its only me and my twin sister that are biologically my dad's.

I have never thought any less of my 'half' brothers and sister. Granted i knew them as family from birth, however, I respect them as much as my twin. To be honest when the call my dad by his first name its wierd because it sounds wrong as i regard them as blood siblings. I have to remind my self they are not.

Its not their fault they cant call him dad, i dont blame them, never will. I know the respect my dad in his judgement and advise. My dad calls them sons and daughters. no 'step' this and 'step' that!

 

[dazzajl]

I'm afraid the person who stated that at 20 is too young to be living at home is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. What a rather daft thing to state.

Seesh... some people have no clue eh!

Cheers John.

I take it you mean too old and not too young???

Tell ya what mate, you bring the bread and I'll provide the cheese but I doubt we'd make up the difference.

I stand by the comment though, 20 is too old to be living at home. At that age we should be getting on for being as adult as we're going to get (although obviously not as wise one hopes)

One of the most important leaning processes of being a student at that age is learning independence. That won't happen living at home will it.

 

[theMusicMan]

Cheers John.

I take it you mean too old and not too young???

Tell ya what mate, you bring the bread and I'll provide the cheese but I doubt we'd make up the difference.

I stand by the comment though, 20 is too old to be living at home. At that age we should be getting on for being as adult as we're going to get (although obviously not as wise one hopes)

One of the most important leaning processes of being a student at that age is learning independence. That won't happen living at home will it.

Hey Daz - apologies about my rather curt comment, I re-read what I posted last night and it does appear somewhat curt. Apologies...!

Not 100% convinced that 20 is too old to still be at home though. Whilst I appreciate the value of independence and living away from parents, not everyone is in a position to be able to afford to be on their own, neither would they perhaps want to be away from their parents.

I don't have a 20 yr old (yet), but we are already discussing the options of what he does next year should he get his placement in whichever university he wishes to attend. He has looked locally and away - keeping his options open I guess. If he wanted to remain at home then we'd be more than happy to have him home (and sorry Marcel, he wouldn't be a guest here, he's our son), but if he wanted to move away then we'd support him doing that also.

He'a already looking at the usual issues of how to balance his lifestyle and manage educationally as well as financially, and what he could cope with work wise whilst attending uni et al without risking his education. These are the usual things all students need to consider I guess.

Once again - sorry if my post was short and curt...:bonk:

 

[pie-eater]

The letters IMO means In My Opinion. So, In My Opinion, the "step dad" has nothing to do with him. An opinion is not based always on truth, its a suggestion of a feeling, My feeling. if i'm wrong in his situation then i apologise, but as a public forum, pubil can provide opinions.
Sorry i offended you but To Be Honest, if anyone other then my parents told me i could not have a shower in the place i call home, i would be having serious words and arguments.
This is basic hygene, his "Step dad" is stopping him from this human right.

Yes i agree, just me getting on my high horse, only because i love my "step-son" as much as my own son and for someone to say that he means nothing to him just got my back up, thats all, but you did make a valid point in that opinions are just that, an opinion weather its right or wrong. Any way i hope steven has got it sorted and get a shower, you dirty ***. lol.