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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife >>dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do >>anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the >>driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of >>her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, >>beach stuff or mountain
stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
**************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is >>always right, and the
other is a husband.
**************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a >>driver's license. First,
of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The >>optician showed him a card
with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said >>to them, "I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the >>convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so >>tired of chardonnay."
**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her >>husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! >>Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! >>TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to >>salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong >>with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
what it feels like when I'm driving."
*************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina >>mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic >>training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his >>hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his >>teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
So he tied her up and went golfing.
**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the >>driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of >>her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, >>beach stuff or mountain
stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
**************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is >>always right, and the
other is a husband.
**************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a >>driver's license. First,
of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The >>optician showed him a card
with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said >>to them, "I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the >>convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so >>tired of chardonnay."
**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her >>husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! >>Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! >>TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to >>salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong >>with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
what it feels like when I'm driving."
*************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina >>mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic >>training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his >>hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his >>teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
