Funeral...photos?

StuartH

StuartH

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Bit of an awkward post to say the least!..Sadly my mum died last week after a long battle with cancer and heart problems. To say things are tough this time of year is an understatement!..My predicament is that my step dad has asked if we could get some nice photos of all the flowers and has also said he would like a photo of me and my nephew carrying mums coffin at the funeral. I feel ever so slightly awkward with this as not sure its the done thing?I have no objections but just feel a bit odd about it all..so guess just asking for any opinions thoughts etc...right or wrong?..
 
Sorry to hear about your loss, never a good time but a particularly crappy time of year for it to happen.

I am not aware of any protocol for this but can't see that it would be an issue, naturally it shouldn't be you taking the shots so maybe a discrete friend?
 
Thanks both and yes its very tough time at the moment..I did suggest my girlfriend could maybe get a couple of shots with my ricoh as its quite small unassuming camera but she feels very uncomfortable about doing so which tbh I would as well..I dont want to upset my step dad but at the same time dont want to put pressure on my partner to do something she isnt comfortable with..things are hard enough at present.:(
 
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I would suggest a friend who isn't emotionally attached, knows how to use a camera and is capable of being discrete.

Explain to them the situation and that you are asking for a favour and see what they say, I'm pretty sure they'd understand.

If not I'm sure someone here would oblige (I think you're oop narth so too far away for me).

Bottom line is that you want some positive memories from a difficult and emotional situation, you don't want to have to deal with it on the day. Someone who can take the shots, disappear into the background and then come back at an appropriate time is what I would want in this situation.
 
I really sorry to hear this mate,
sincere condolences to you and your family.

As to the images,
there was a thread he awhile back, I'll see if I can the link.
But the upshot seemed to be, from what I remember,
that it seemed more "acceptable" these days, rather than a blanket taboo.

edit after a quick search the subject has been covered a few times.

I guess its down to the individual ATEOTD
http://www.talkphotography.co.uk/search/1296655/?q=Funeral+photography&o=relevance
 
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Thanks both..I am based in Hertfordshire..Ned your summary seems pretty spot on with what my step dad wants.
I always thought it as taboo Chris hence my post..head is all over the place and dont want to upset anyone but photos never even crossed my mind until it was mentioned yesterday..
 
StuartH said:
..head is all over the place and dont want to upset anyone but photos never even crossed my mind until it was mentioned yesterday..
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I gotta admit Stu, that would also be the last thing on my mind.
 
It was mate but step dad mentioned he would like decent shots of all flowers etc and then was decided me and my nephew would help carry coffin and he said if possible he would like a pic of us doing it..just want to try and please everyone I guess..
 
I honestly can't think of any reason why photos wouldn't be acceptable, funerals are about the living and helping them get a sense of acceptance and closure. If photos will help then who the hell is anyone to argue.

I actually think it's a nice idea to be honest, I would imagine your father (and in times to come, you and your nephew) would really appreciate the memories that the photos would instil - it's a sense of hope for the future, the family line and all that.
 
Thanks Ned I think your pretty spot on but like I say it just felt awkward and my other half feels very awkward about it all..
 
StuartH said:
It was mate but step dad mentioned he would like decent shots of all flowers etc and then was decided me and my nephew would help carry coffin and he said if possible he would like a pic of us doing it..just want to try and please everyone I guess..
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Tough call mate :(
When my dad died years ago, we laid all the flowers on the lawn and
took a few images of these, at my mums insistence. but thats as far as it went,

Thinking about it "with a clear head"
I think you will certainly be in no fit state to take the images.
As already ready suggested maybe someone with a discreet compact.

Maybe have a word with the funeral director to find out how
common or not this is in your area?
Maybe that'll help you decide either way?
 
Really sorry to hear the news Stu - thoughts are with you and your family.

TBH I think it's a fairly modest request from your stepdad. The flowers can be photographed after the service once everyone has left and so long as you and your nephew are OK with being photographed, then that one shot could be taken discreetly enough without disturbing anyone else. I'd just pre-warn people that it may happen though.

Just try not to take too much on yourself, you've probably got enough to deal with without stressing over this and while it's important to think of your stepdad, make sure that you keep a bit of time to look after yourself too.
As Ned said, if there's a friend or someone close by who's proficient enough with a camera I'm sure they'd be willing to help out.
If you were closer to me, I'd happily do it for you.
 
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Absolutely, not a job for anyone related in any way - it wouldn't be fair. Not only does she also need time to grieve (MIL jokes aside) but the pressure of getting 'good' photos in such an emotional situation would be overwhelming, especially if she isn't in to photography (I assume).

I would try and call in a favour if I could, I think I would prefer a friendly face taking the shots (but that's just me). If not hire a pro.
 
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Stuart condolences to you and your family

a number of years ago on the OH nan's funeral one of her cousins took photos of the coffin and film the service it so he could send to the family down under
 
Thankyou both for responding..I am happy to take some of flowers etc before or after but as you rightly say will be in no fit state during to do anything. Chris thats a good idea will speak to funeral directors and see what they say..funny enough they were at my step dads today going over things.
Thanks Sarah but dont have anyone close by that could get the shots for me..I think if we could just get 2-3 decent pics he would be over the moon. Trying not to get too stressed but very difficult.
 
Thanks John..Ned I would hire someone but funeral costs and flowers are not leaving any of us with spare cash!
 
StuartH said:
Thankyou both for responding..I am happy to take some of flowers etc before or after but as you rightly say will be in no fit state during to do anything. Chris thats a good idea will speak to funeral directors and see what they say..funny enough they were at my step dads today going over things.
Thanks Sarah but dont have anyone close by that could get the shots for me..I think if we could just get 2-3 decent pics he would be over the moon. Trying not to get too stressed but very difficult.
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The intention is admirable and I can only relate to how I was at my grandmothers funeral after reading the eulogy but I know I wasn't in a state to take photos and there's no way you can take shots of the pall-bearers. I really feel the responsibility should be offloaded - even if its just to a more distant relation - you could ask them to position themselves by the aisle and take pictures as you come in, ultimate artistry isn't really required here.
 
Sorry for your loss Stuart, I have posted elsewhere, that one of my regrets is not having any photographs of father in laws funeral.

I would ask a friend to do it, but make sure other family members know why you are doing it. The last thing you want is somebody "kicking off" if they feel that photographs aren't right.
 
To add, I'm a bit far away to offer (sorry) but the first lesson in crisis management is to give people jobs. Give someone else the job to take the photos, it doesn't really matter who as long as they know how to hold a camera and it will serve two purposes: firstly it means it is not on your list of things to do and secondly it gives whoever it may be a sense of contribution and purpose which means they will rise to the occasion.

You know how at these times people say "if there's anything I can do", well most people mean it but don't know what 'anything' is. If you tell them how to help they will respond positively.
 
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Nawty said:
The intention is admirable and I can only relate to how I was at my grandmothers funeral after reading the eulogy but I know I wasn't in a state to take photos and there's no way you can take shots of the pall-bearers. I really feel the responsibility should be offloaded - even if its just to a more distant relation - you could ask them to position themselves by the aisle and take pictures as you come in, ultimate artistry isn't really required here.
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munch said:
Sorry for your loss Stuart, I have posted elsewhere, that one of my regrets is not having any photographs of father in laws funeral.

I would ask a friend to do it, but make sure other family members know why you are doing it. The last thing you want is somebody "kicking off" if they feel that photographs aren't right.
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Thanks again..certainly need to give it more thought..Nobody will be kicking off but would make them all aware before hand if photos were to be taken
 
Sorry to hear of your loss Stuart, it's a horrible time losing your mum.
When my mum died, my sister in Australia wasn't able to come (she had been over to see mum a bit before) and asked for the funeral to be videoed ... it was difficult but I got a friend to do it (he didn't feel very positive about it at first but eventually agreed) and in the end it all went well and my sister was very appreciative.
I could never have done anything myself and it needed someone unrelated to do it ... I let close family know what we were doing, and why, and there were no problems.
Whatever you decide to do I hope it works out well for you :)
 
Hi Stuart, firstly my sympathy for your loss, many years ago now my father died not long before Christmas, and it makes it more difficult to handle when everyone around is enjoying the holiday.

As far as taking photographs goes, the mother of a friend of mine asked me to take photographs of her mother's coffin being taken through the graveyard and into the church a few years ago. The vicar had no problem with this providing that no photographs were taken inside the church, and as all the bearers were family members that was not a problem either. Hope this helps.

Something a close friend of mine said to me at the time my father died helped me, and I'll pass it on to you. "To live on in hearts we leave behind is not to die".
 
Sorry to hear about your loss Stuart.

Earley Man said:
Hi Stuart, firstly my sympathy for your loss, many years ago now my father died not long before Christmas, and it makes it more difficult to handle when everyone around is enjoying the holiday
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I'll echo that, we lost Nan 2 years ago now just after Christmas. While she was in hospital over that first Christmas, last year was the first "without" her and it was extremely "odd" (for the want of a better word). This year feels a little easier but obviously things/thoughts/emotions start to bubble to the surface. It sounds like a cliche but while obviously it never goes away it does get easier with time.

On the subject of photos, I can't see any problem with having some taken but as said it probably needs to be someone that is completely removed from the situation. Maybe worth popping something in the subforum in the business section to see if anyone local could pop along? I can't imagine a handful of photos would cost much if anything from someone local?
 
A sad loss made worse by the time of year.

I have actually done a funeral and found it a bit awkward however i had a job to do. The funeral was for the head of the WM. Grant whisky/Glenfiddich empire. There were many important guests which made it all the more daunting but all went well. I was the only tog and the bouncers/doormen kept the press away. As long as you fet someone who respects the occassion then im sure it will be ok. I mostly shot from the back or in balconies to stay out the way at the request of the remaining Grant family and they were cery happy with me and the images the were given. Hipe all goes as well as it can given the circumstances.
 
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I have a mate who actually does a reasonable bit of funeral photography. It's getting more common than you might think. In fact, lots of people apparently buy the CCTV from crematoriums so that people overseas can share in the event.

One option if you want the pallbearers is to shoot video and lock off a camera where it can capture them. Slice that into a show with some still and it's there when people are ready to watch.
 
Thanks again everyone for the helpful and kind replies..Going to discuss it further with my stepdad later today.My sister had no objections to it although did say she thought it was a bit strange.It certainly is a tough time of year for it to happen although never a good time to lose a loved one.I would also like to thank the members here who have messaged me with offers of help it really is appreciated.
 
My condolences on your loss

Everyone copes in different ways so if your step dad wants a few pictures I can't see the harm , but i do agree that it needs to be someone not emotionally involved - if a mate isnt an option you could approach a local pro, they arent likely to charge masses for what ought to be a simple job.
 
Thanks Hugh..Cheers Pete,I have had a very kind offer from someone on here to do it for me if we decide thats the way to go.Once again really appreciate the kind words and messages I have received.:)
 
I got asked to do this at my wife's grannys wedding. I really didn't want to, but it's a huge familly that's spread all over the world and this would be the only time they have all been together for a long time, and possibly the last time.
So I took my Fuji Xe-2 and tried to be as discreet as possible. As it turned out, most of the other familly members all had a camera and were shooting through most of the event, so I didn't feel half as bad as I thought I would. Still didn't make it obvious though.

Not something I'd want to do again though.
 
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