Feeling really down

[h.r.ford]

Ok I'm not usually this type of person but well I have no close friends in this country so some of you are all I've got. As you know I'm moving to the States. I'm leaving without my husband (no we aren't breaking up) as he has to do 2 more years in the Army. That means I get to be a single Mom. Being a military wife I've done my fare share of being on my own but this will be the longest stint.

Anyway I have to work, we just have to many bills, mainly my college loans that need to be paid and I have to work for us to be able to meet all of our obligations. I thought I had found the perfect answer and I was going to open an in home day care. I could take care of my son who is at such a fantastic age (3 1/2) along with 3-5 other children at the same age and have allot of fun along with some hard work. I figured everything out and was really happy with my decision. Because now I only see my son on the weekends and I feel guilty about that plus hell I love the kid and want to spend as much time with him as possible. Well I just found out that I can't do in home daycare because the room that we have available for it is below ground and doesn't have 2 fire escapes. I can't use the room we could use on the 1st floor because again it needs 2 stair fire escapes. So I'm screwed.

Child care is so expensive, and my work in England doesn't translate well so basically I'll be lucky to make $30,000 (roughly equivilant to 15,000gbp) and lose 1/3 of my take home pay just for child care not to mention that I'd be working at least 50 hours a week out of my home with no benefits like you get here, I'll get 12 days paid holiday at the most and no private health care. But my husband and I will make to much money to get any help with child care so I will have to pay the full price.

Basically my take home pay at the end of the month would be around $1,000 after taxes and child care which is less than I'd be making if I could have stayed home with the child care option (quite a bit less). So I'm actually crying, because this great decision we thought we were making for my son had turned into a nightmare and frankly I just don't want to go.

Sorry for the very very long post I just am at my wits end and I'm not sure what I can do to get out of this.

 

[HIMUPNORTH]

Sounds like this next two years are fairly crucial. Splitting up to sort your financial pressures is admirable however it will put a LOT of extra pressure on your marriage.

My instinct is that you try to stay together AS A FAMILY and work out the finances as best you can. The kid needs a dad just as much as a mum and the bills will wait (but they will still be there).

A good employer in the UK should be able to provide a balanced work/home balance if you are prepared to commit to their business.

Keep the chin up and take up wedding photography

[S4]Things always get better once you take one positive step[/S4]

 

[Yv]

I have to agree about trying to stay together if you can. My kids spent a lot of their childhood with a part time dad due to our divorce and whilst I still firmly believe it was the right decision, I do wonder how different things might have been if they had a dad around more often than the occasional weekend.

One of my closest friends has just returned to England with her army husband after 6 years in germany. Over there they could live, with all the benefits and discounts, etc, quite happily on his salary alone. However, her outgoings will increase massively here and she knows she is going to struggle hugely to work due to several medical problems, but like she says, as long as they are together, they will find a way.

Due to spending a lot of time until the recent few years, being at home with kids and on my own, many of my now good friends I originally met on a forum just like this one, they have been a shoulder to cry on, a mate to laugh with and in turn have had those things from me. I think what I am saying is that whilst we may not be able to solve your immediate problems, or make any tough decisions for you, I get the impression plenty round here are around when you need a natter, a moan, or just a general hug.

I for one know how tough it can be when your friends are telephone calls rather than cup of coffee with distances away.

 

[h.r.ford]

Well staying in the UK is not an option. The issue wasn't money now as I make good money in the UK it was when my husband got out of the Army and we had to move back to the states. We decided it would be easier for us to already be established in the States so when he made the switch to civilian life it would be less of a problem. We wanted to buy a house, that was not even close to possible here and we were able to buy a large house in Syracuse for about £62k. The plan was I get established with a job/day care and income that way when my husband starts a job as a newly qualified accountant we would have the disparity between his current income and the 20k pay drop that would happen we he moved out of the military. Being apart is hard I've watched him go through a number of deployments to places much more dangerous than England. But we've been through it before for 16 months while he was being shot at in Baghdad so 24 months isn't that much longer.

 

[antonroland]

Have a lot of s!

We might not be able to fix everything in a flash BUT KNOW that we all care and are always available to listen!

 

[HIMUPNORTH]

...so 24 months isn't that much longer.

Sorry Renee but try telling that to a 5 1/2 year old child.

I do not want to sound preachy and (just like my photo advice) please feel free to ignore me. It is sometimes difficult when in a crappy position to see all your options with the same clarity.

Whatever you choose I wish all three of you good luck and best wishes.