Family bust ups (lesson learned)

beyond the blue

beyond the blue

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Without going into to much detail, 30 years ago we had a serious family bust up which meant I lost touch with my parents. Its a very sad state of affairs but it had to be done. I know my father died 15 years ago but I never new what happened to my mother until today. This morning I was watching a program on TV about a woman in a similar position and she engaged the help of a detection agency to find out if her mother was still alive, they asked her if she had done a Google search as it's amazing what is out there on the web. So I typed my mothers name in and got this http://www.manchestereveningnews.co...er-news/carers-cover-up-scandal-after-8965789 We have 2 children well into their thirties and we will make sure we never split up like me and my parents. PS. my mother was the resident, maybe still is, I don't know.
 
I can sympathise, I haven't seen/spoken to my mother for a very long time, recently, due to the death of my sister, I found out she has
dementia and is a local home too.
Will I be getting in touch..............................................................not on your life, she did her best to ruin the first 30 years of my life I have no wish
to let her do the same now.
I have 2 lovely kids, I will do my utmost to make sure the same doesn't happen to us
 
Although it's sad, at least you know she's alive & where she is. It will help stop those `not knowing` thoughts when they cross your mind.
Amazing what you can find out ont'tinterweb eh.

Is contacting her daughter/your Sister/half Sister a possibility?
 
For some reason I imagine all "care" homes to be like that. Dread ending up in one.
 
Same here, best thing I ever did was cutting certain family members out of my life; have never been happier and I wish I'd done it when I left school.
 
sturisoma said:
Same here, best thing I ever did was cutting certain family members out of my life; have never been happier and I wish I'd done it when I left school.
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+1
I've got a brother (and his wife), that I'm not in contact with at all.
As far as I'm concerned, we share DNA...that's it. Why should I force myself (or be expected to) to get along with them simply because we shared the same parents?
 
I know Ruth, saddest thing though is my own (adult) kids have a problem, I try constantly to keep them together and teach them to allow for each other's faults. I think for my sake they will always try but they don't do evil things to each other, just personality clashes which is fine, so long as they agree to get together for family stuff lol. In my own case evil acts were done and that can't be something you save, although I do feel sorry for my dad and I do 'pretend' things for his sake.
 
Very sad to hear! It really is a shame when families lose touch. My parents split up when I was 15 and dad moved down south to Shropshire, taking everything with him.

I had seen dad on a couple of occasions since, once where my younger brother made contact with him and we arranged to visit dad and his wife. Our first son would have been less than a year old at the time. The next time was when I was just setting off from home to take my eldest son to the dentist and I saw my dad stood at the end of my street! He was up here for his mum's funeral and she lived at the end of our road (we also lost touch due to circumstances .. families eh!). I quickly pulled over and asked if he could wait for a few minutes, while I popped back to the local primary school to pick up my youngest son so that he could meet his grandad for the first time. He said no. I was absolutely gutted and decided there and then that I would never make contact with him again.

Back in 2009, for some reason which I can't explain, I felt the need to do a Google search for my dad, that was when I discovered that dad had died about a month earlier and on his 69th birthday.
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promptedby this thread google just confirmed that my father is still alive - i was hoping the alcoholic f***wit would have drunk himself to death by now, but seems not...
 
stevewestern said:
For many years I assumed I was the only one with a family that wasn't quite what one would hope for.

Seems I was wrong.

Sharing blood doesn't mean we have to be close. I just hope my kids benefit from my struggles.
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My thoughts too Steve. Perhaps some may not have had ideal roll models, but as long as our kids know that they're loved, that's a step in the right direction.
 
For the record, my issues were never with my parents, my childhood or my upbringing.
Best parents ever.
Been gone 22 and 12 years and I miss 'em every day.
 
TheAndyA said:
Perhaps some may not have had ideal roll models, but as long as our kids know that they're loved, that's a step in the right direction.
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Like the song says, Teach your children well.
We may not be perfect, but if we can learn from what life has shown us and as you say Andy, as long as they know they are loved then we are moving forward.
One wonders what sort of childhood leads people to do thinks like trample on a pregnant woman, but that's another discussion.
 
This isn't having a go or judging anyone here. I'm really struggling to come to terms with the concept of not speaking/knowing close family members.

One of my ex's parents/grandparents haven't spoken to each other for around 25 years and they live next door to each other!! When I asked what caused the rift I got told there was a row once but no one can remember what it was about.

I guess there are always going to be issues/disputes with family members and some people just won't get on. Makes me really appreciate my family, we do have our differences from time to time and about 20 years ago there was a point where I could have happily disowned my brother but we all get on great now.
 
Russ77 said:
This isn't having a go or judging anyone here. I'm really struggling to come to terms with the concept of not speaking/knowing close family members.

One of my ex's parents/grandparents haven't spoken to each other for around 25 years and they live next door to each other!! When I asked what caused the rift I got told there was a row once but no one can remember what it was about.

I guess there are always going to be issues/disputes with family members and some people just won't get on. Makes me really appreciate my family, we do have our differences from time to time and about 20 years ago there was a point where I could have happily disowned my brother but we all get on great now.
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I get what you're saying Russ, and I think it's the word "family" which makes it so emotive.
I feel no positive connection whatsoever to my eldest brother, emotional or otherwise, (never have done....but there's a large age difference between us too) and if it were an acquaintance I'd decided to cut ties with, no-one would bat an eyelid.
For me though, some things are done that cannot be undone, or forgiven, and shared genes don't change that.
I get on great with my other brothers and their families :-)
 
Russ77 said:
This isn't having a go or judging anyone here. I'm really struggling to come to terms with the concept of not speaking/knowing close family members.

One of my ex's parents/grandparents haven't spoken to each other for around 25 years and they live next door to each other!! When I asked what caused the rift I got told there was a row once but no one can remember what it was about.

I guess there are always going to be issues/disputes with family members and some people just won't get on. Makes me really appreciate my family, we do have our differences from time to time and about 20 years ago there was a point where I could have happily disowned my brother but we all get on great now.
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Sometimes, people are so different from each other than they have no common ground, other than DNA. Sometimes, they just won't or can't understand any viewpoint other than their own.

When this happens, and it has happened to me, sometimes the best solution is to ignore the common genes and treat them like anyone else that you can't get on with, i.e. break all contact.

With me, the conflict is between my sister and myself, she is a few years older than me and, like most people who know nothing, she thinks she knows everything. Whilst our mother was alive I tried to maintain some contact, but Mum died 24 years ago and I have had nothing to do with her since, I think that we're both happier that way.

Since then, she has caused me immense harm, including 'diverting' a legacy intended for me to herself, and stirring up the worst kind of trouble for my ex wife. Viewing her as just a dishonest ignorant git who means nothing to me is, I think, the best way of dealing with how I feel about her.
 
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