Domestic Violence

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Alison

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Alison if you are a victim of it, then you need to leave(not here!) no-one should put up with that. there are many agencies and charities set up to help
 
matty said:
Alison if you are a victim of it, then you need to leave(not here!) no-one should put up with that. there are many agencies and charities set up to help
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Couldn't agree more.
 
Allison what about Womens Aid or Refuge. I've heard nothing but wonderful things about these organisations, they are very discreet and have usually been in the same position as yourself.
 
Hi Alison :wave:

You really should get away from the violence ... Please contact the police as they will certainly take you away from the problem .... Wishing you well!

Steve
 
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It isnt as simple as that, leaving is a big decision, there may be kids involved and many people still (despite everything) love their partner.

That said, if you are not happy something needs to be done. If the partner is very controlling and violent then speak to someone, check Yellow Pages or phonebook for numbers. If the partner just does this say when drunk and is 'normally' approachable then sit them down and speak with them and suggest seeing a councellor.
 
this is something where you need to talk to one of the concerned charities where people know the ins and outs and will be able to give you the right kind of advice.

Quite a lot of us will give you emotional advice based in little experience. [comment removed]
edit if you're having issues finding the right charity I know the girl who runs the gender and equality society over here and has a lot to do with the stopping domestic violence movement, if you want I can get the right contacts from her for you
 
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huge hugs please think long and hard about leaving
its a hard step to take but it will be the best thing you have done
you are a good person a strong person and a beautiful person dont let your partner tell you anything else you will cope if you leave people wil help you
hugs again
 
The longer it goes on, the more you wished you'd have got out sooner later on Alison, i've had an ex partner in exactly the same position. Remember 3 women are killed every week by their partner. Please get help asap. all the best.
 
Regardless if there are kids involved. It has to stop.

I was a battered husband for 10 years by my first wife. Even though i was a bouncer and 17 stone and she was only 7 1/2 stone i could not hit a woman. I have numerous scars from being attacked with various weapons. When i wasn't looking or asleep.

You tell yourself so many things to justify why they do it but at the end of the day you cannot put up with it. LEAVE before something really bad happens. I had to leave in case i hit her back. I think if ever i lost my cool and actually hit her back..... Well i don't think i would have stopped.

At least take a break and get some help.

Best of luck.
 
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Alison,

It may well be worth speaking in confidence to your local police force. Domestic Violence is something all forces take very seriously, and there is a whole range of support out there.

If you don't want to talk to the police, there is a 24-hour Domestic Violence helpline, run by Women's Aid and Refuge - give them a call on 0808 2000 247. They offer an excellent listening ear and practical help. I've heard many good things about them from victims I've referred.
 
I,ll second what Photoplod has said - all forces will have Domestic Violence Officers who can be contacted,in confidence.

All forces have a zero tolerance policy towards DV.

As difficult as it may be - I encourage you to make that call - you aren't alone and you have your friends on TP who are supporting you

Best Wishes

david700
 
Alison
Look into your dreams about what you really really want. What life do you really really dream about having. Who is the real you . Then try to gain all your strength and work towards making them dreams come true. It may not be easy, and it may be hard in the short term, but in the longterm you will have a much happier life.
Hope it all works out for you
 
I existed being battered for several years, not just physically but mentally too. The physical scars healed but the mental ones have`nt. I allowed a control freak to make me believe I`m worthless, useless, ugly, a waste of space basically.
Somehow enough of me was left to say enough and I got out. Hardest thing I ever did but the first night I spent alone away from it was the night I started to live again.
There is no easy way to say it but you have to make a choice for yourself, do you want to just exist in pain until there is nothing left of you or do you want to start to live again - as yourself instead of a bully`s puppet ?
 
I was a kid that suffered domestic violence between my parents and then emotional blackmail from them (to varying degrees) when they split up.

If there are kids involved, you need to get them out, if there aren't, you need to get out.

As mentioned, you need to find local help, whether that be a charity or the police.

What family have you got in the area?
 
Alison, don't do nothing! As above, contact the police/ or other party. Please, you musn't let it continue. :)
 
If you need it:

National Centre for Domestic Violence (Civil Leagal Help): 0800 970 2070
 
Victims of domestic abuse are financially dependant on the abuser in a lot of instances. However, having knowledge of this sector due to the current workload I think a lot of victims will be hugely surprised to learn that they will be supported financially by both the government and other organisations if they want to make the break. Seriously, if finance is a question/worry then you may be in for a pleasant surprise.
 
As a first step I would second photoplod's advice. Phone that support line. They will have the expertise to help you.

You are a special, unique woman and do not deserve to suffer violence. Dont let anyone make you think otherwise. Let us know how you get on.

Sue
 
Alison, I suspect that post took a significant amount of courage to type let alone post. I can only second the advice already given, you don't have to put up with this and there are people who can help you. I hope the support you have received and the courage you have already shown will help you to make that step.

Mark
 
I know it is really easy to sit here and say you should leave - and I know it isn't an easy thing to do at all. It is your home too after all. How you feel about your OH is something I can't comment on but again I don't suppose the emotions are simple.

So I'm just going to ask you a question. You'd like to know how other people cope. I'd like to know why you have to cope?

You have control of the decisions you make and however you have ended up in the position you are in, it is now down to you to decide what to do about it. Why not give yourself the chance to properly consider your options. Phone one of the helplines and see what kind of help is there for you. It isn't going to hurt and it may just be the best thing you will ever do.

It might be scary and in some ways "coping" may seem easier in the short term but how long are you prepared to put up with it? 5 years, 10 years, the rest of your life? This might sound a bit harsh but you need to make a decision and start dealing with the issue rather than just coping.
 
Alison, I know nothing about your personal situation. But I witnessed it as a child between my parents until I was age 15. I've seen what a man can do to a woman and heard the screams whilst I was laid in bed. I even told my father I would kill him one day. I was 15 at the time. It was that one thing that made my mother finally get away from him.
You deserve better. There is nothing in this world that can make what you are going through excusable. Only you can make the move. No matter how many people tell you to, only you can can make the break.
I can promise you one thing though. It can't possibly be any worse than you have now. My mother had to move us all out whilst he was at work. To somewhere far enough away that he couldn't find us.
If anything comes out of this thread, it will show you how common this is and the same message that comes across is get help. ;)
You take care and know that there are people about that care enough to help. ;)

Kev.
 
Hope something that has been suggested here helps in some way. Only you will know the best way forward, but I agree with lawrenceots - you need to do something.
 
Alison, I sure I'm one of many here who hope that posting this is the first step for you to make the changes needed, to keep yourself safe.

I hope you are able to speak to one of the agencies mentioned above.

However, I imagine you need to be very discreet when posting here. Please make sure you log out when you leave your PC & maybe consider changing your password, just in case. I'd hate to think you got into more trouble for reaching out for help!

You know you deserve to be treated better & have taken the first step, I hope you are brave enough to get proper help.
 
Comfortably Numb said:
However, I imagine you need to be very discreet when posting here. Please make sure you log out when you leave your PC & maybe consider changing your password, just in case. I'd hate to think you got into more trouble for reaching out for help!
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Good advice on this as is the advice to talk to the Police DV unit.
 
Alison,

I feel for you, but I don't feel qualified to advise you. I think there has been some good advices already. Only you will know the right path for you. I will leave you to mull over what's been said but would like to leave you with a true story. If it helps you, great.

Many years ago (about 14 years) I noticed my secretary wasn't her normal bouncy self. She often seem to have bruises but this was different.

I challenged her and in tears she told me that she had left her "boyfriend" with whom she lived due to the way he treated her. The house they lived in was in joint names but the mortgage (given by the company we both worked for) was in her name. She felt she would either have to go back and suffer the consequences or keep paying the mortgage whilst he enjoyed rent free living.

I chose to be cruel to be kind. Without asking I telephoned a solicitor friend, explained the situation, gave her the telephone and left the room telling her that she was to stay there until she sorted it.

After an initial difficult period the boyfriend was given orders to leave and the house was sold. She eventually found a new fella. I saw her get married and she now has two lovely boys. She has had bad times, the loss of her first child, but she has had the love and support she deserves from her fella to get through it.

Whatever you decide won't be easy at first but look to and live for the future. My secretary would not have taken action without the push and support I gave her. She also had the support of others.

You have received a lot of support here and I'm sure that will continue.

I hope this story helps you make up your mind to do something positive.

You have the love of a lot of people here - feel strong and go for it.

Ken
 
although i have no experience of this first hand, i agree that the first "step" away from this situation must seem like trying to swim through treacle.

BUT

help and support is there,thyese can be from the comments on here to professional help from agencies, friends and even from sometimes sources that you didnt know could, would or are able to help.

i hope you choose to make things turn around for you and remember. people will listen and help
 
Photo Plod said:
Alison,

It may well be worth speaking in confidence to your local police force. Domestic Violence is something all forces take very seriously, and there is a whole range of support out there.

If you don't want to talk to the police, there is a 24-hour Domestic Violence helpline, run by Women's Aid and Refuge - give them a call on 0808 2000 247. They offer an excellent listening ear and practical help. I've heard many good things about them from victims I've referred.
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I have to support this as well. Get in contact with your local Police Force asap. They will give you all the help and information you need.
 
Photo Plod said:
Domestic Violence is something all forces take very seriously,
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"I’m really struggling at the moment. Things are very bad"..HELP

It's now 48 hours since this cry for help..... and no reply to date

Does anyone know Alison - or - can the post itself be cause enough for "Authorities" to investigate further ?
 
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Yardbent said:
It's now 48 hours since this cry for help..... and no reply to date

Does anyone know Alison - or - can the post itself be cause enough for "Authorities" to investigate further ?
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I know Ali but don`t have her number, I know where someone might though, will give it a try
 
Patch said:
I know Ali but don`t have her number, I know where someone might though, will give it a try
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I have no idea how to proceed here but .......
are you local enough for a visit ?
do you know her family?
can you contact "Help"....

in case anyone thinks I am over-reacting......
I live alone, been single for many years now, family all moved to France,
several years ago financial problems were too much and I "almost" took the easy way out .... only support from family got me back on track

it is very difficult to make decisions for your own welfare when you are lost and desperate.
 
Yardbent said:
I have no idea how to proceed here but .......
are you local enough for a visit ?
do you know her family?
can you contact "Help"....

in case anyone thinks I am over-reacting......
I live alone, been single for many years now, family all moved to France,
several years ago financial problems were too much and I "almost" took the easy way out .... only support from family got me back on track

it is very difficult to make decisions for your own welfare when you are lost and desperate.
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Unfortunately I`m a fair distance away, I know Ali through dog rescue so I know some of her friends but not family, I don`t know who know`s how much so will proceed discreetly, have also sent her a message elsewhere just now for her to contact me :(
 
I haven't posted in here before because I felt that I couldn't say anything that hadn't already been said.

But I do share your concern John.

Sometimes people post something deeply personal like this on a forum and have second thoughts about whether it was the right thing to do . . . and then feel embarrassed about coming back to it. I hope that is all that's keeping Alison away.

And if that is the reason Alison, then you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. Please drop back in even if it's just to tell us all that you're OK :hug:
 
SarahLee said:
And if that is the reason Alison, then you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. Please drop back in even if it's just to tell us all that you're OK :hug:
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Definately - please let us know you are ok :hug:
 
I feel that Alison has posted this as a cry for help, I could be wrong but I get that feeling very strongly.

Alison I strongly suggest you follow the advice already offered, and sooner rather than later. Just get yourself down to the nearest police station and tell them everything. It will be the best thing you ever do.

If you need any support from us just ask, even if it's just emotional support. We are afterall a community of friends, and thats what friends do, you are not alone.

Please come back here and let us know you are alright.

Ste
 
I've just spoken to Alison who asked me to let you all know she's OK, as she's not able to get online as regularly as some of us. I passed on the number for a local voluntary organisation - in fact, she called back as she'd taken it down incorrectly the first time.
 
Thats good news Alison. Please ensure you take action as strongly advised in the thread. :)
 
photon said:
I've just spoken to Alison who asked me to let you all know she's OK, as she's not able to get online as regularly as some of us. I passed on the number for a local voluntary organisation - in fact, she called back as she'd taken it down incorrectly the first time.
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Thank you for letting us know.
I'm glad to hear that she's OK and that she has that number now.
 
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