does anybody know any good (or bad!) jokes?...

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englandshottest2

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could do with some humour! anybody care to share their jokes??! here's mine....(warning, it's one of those 'bad blonde' jokes!)
blonde babe goes up to soda machine, in she puts her five-pound note in (would be $1 back in the States, except translated version for the Brits has to be 5pound note!) as needed, pushes one of the buttons for her selection, and out pops the can and her change, she then puts another note in, and does the same thing, again, and again, ....along comes a bloke behind her who enquires to know if she's finished yet, her reply is- "shut-up i'm winning!" :D
 
It's not the best I have, but it's sort of apt:

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon.”

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain, I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too... you , can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot of..."gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time, I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be dissapointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out his portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on top of a bus."
"Oh my goodness!!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in,"
Mrs. Smith leanded forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um... equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work."
"Tripod??....”
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long Madam? Madam?....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!....”
 
Story About Getting Even

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat."

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.


He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
 
Affairs:-

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying b******!

You've been playing golf!"


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"


The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said t o his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"


The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dust ed him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."


The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
 
I've already posted this but some may have not read it.

A mother is tidying her 14 year old sons bedroom, as she lifts the mattress a S&M magazine lands on the floor.

Shocked she picks it up and storms downstairs to show her husband.

Look what I've found in peters bedroom, what are you going to do about it.

I've no idea but it looks like a spankings out of the question
 
What do you usually look for in a good Bra?

A cracking pair of tits, usually.

------------------

Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Please give just a small donation of 2 pounds and we will send you the video it's hilarious!!!

------------------

We call our grandad "Spiderman".

He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.
 
The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October
1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off the north
coast
of Scotland.

The transcript was released by the MoD on the 10/10/95.

BRITISH:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South. to avoid collision.

US Navy: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid
collision

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees
to the South to avoid collision

US Navy: This is the Captain of US Navy ship.
I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: Negative I say again divert your course.

US NAVY: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN' THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY
THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR
COUNTER
MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH: We are a lighthouse. F*CK OFF
 
a blonde woman wanting to earn some extra cash decides to hire herself out as a handy woman. the next day she puts an ad in the paper reading "handy woman for hire. you got a job that needs doing im your woman" later that day she gets a phone call from a man asking her if she is available for later that day. the woman says yes so the man explains that he needs his porch painting and that all she would need to do is turn up and he would supply the paint and brushes.

later that day she arrives at a very large posh house. the man comes out to greet her and he gives her the paint and sets her to work. the man goes back in the house and he tells the woman to knock on the door when she is finished. the mans wife asked the man how much she charged and he said that she only wanted £20. the mans wife then says well does she know that the porch goes all the way around the house ? the man replys she should she was stood on it.

20 minutes later the woman knocks on the door covered in paint and says to the man' ive finished and i had so much paint i gave it an extra coat. really the man says suprisingly. yes the woman replys and she goes on to say'oh and by the way its not a porche its a ferrari:p
 
frank said:
snip
Click to expand...

That is very good indeed!

another from me:

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay
containing these four elements:


- religion 

- royalty 

- sex 

- mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who's the father?"
 
I was going to be a painter and decorator but I kept coming over all emulsional
 
A man owned a small farm. The Low Pay Commission claimed he was not paying proper wages to his employees and sent an inspector out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them" demanded the inspector.

"Well" replied the farmer "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit" says the inspector.

"You're already talking to him" replied the farmer.
 
An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks
into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a

Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get

to know each other. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she
wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she
is attracted to him she says no.
He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world
and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after
showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she
will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before
and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders
Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more

some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of
him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her:
'Melbourne'.

'So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?'

'Glen Iris' he replies

'That's amazing...' she says, 'So am I - what Street?'

'Cameo Street' he replies

'This is unbelievable...' she says,'What number?'

He says 'Number 20' and she is totally astonished.

'You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents

still live there!'

'I know...' he says, 'Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you'
 
Have you heard the one about the Liverpool fan who thought they would win at Old Trafford today?
 
I nipped into a Pub to use the loo...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Best if you tell this in the first person, as if it's just happened to you.

I was out in town today, and was caught a bit short, dying for the loo. Had to nip into the nearest Pub.
There were two cubicles in the Gents, one vacant.
So I settle in, and after a minute or so a voice pipes up from the next cubicle;
"Hello mate, how are you?"
Not wanting appear rude, but feeling a bit freaked out, I answer tentatively, "Err, fine, thanks."
"So, what are you up to then?", the guy says.
This is wierd. But I've already spoken to him, can't blank him now. I reply, "Err, just having a quick poo if you don't mind mate."
There's a short pause, and then the next thing this bloke says is,
"Sorry mate, gonna have to call you back. Got some d!ckhead in the next cubicle answering everything I say..."
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