Divorce not fun..

Darren thanks i know what you are saying and i said as much to him today, also said a few other things. we have agreed to take a chill pill each and calm down and think then talk again.

Lucky our kids are over 18. and i am not paying solicitors i have also made an appointment to see someone next week from ssafa.
 
Hi Terri
I went through similar 10 years ago so I can sympathise. Me and my ex are still on good terms and even count ourselves friends, so it is possible. I think what you have said about keeping it amicable is the real key. Best of luck and hope it all turns out ok.
 
PatrickO said:
Hi Terri
I went through similar 10 years ago so I can sympathise. Me and my ex are still on good terms and even count ourselves friends, so it is possible. I think what you have said about keeping it amicable is the real key. Best of luck and hope it all turns out ok.
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I'd love to be proved wrong but I don't think a truly amicable divorce is possible, best just get it over with and move on as the details don't really matter it's just a stepping stone. I have unreasonable behaviour hanging round my neck as grounds for our divorce when the actual reason was an affair on her part, just quicker and easier not to argue and get it out the way IMO.

You can ask my ex wife how things went with us, she's a forum member and a Flickr contact and we still talk occasionally. :thumbs:
 
Alan Clogwyn said:
I'd love to be proved wrong but I don't think a truly amicable divorce is possible, best just get it over with and move on as the details don't really matter it's just a stepping stone. I have unreasonable behaviour hanging round my neck as grounds for our divorce when the actual reason was an affair on her part, just quicker and easier not to argue and get it out the way IMO.

You can ask my ex wife how things went with us, she's a forum member and a Flickr contact and we still talk occasionally. :thumbs:
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Absolutely this.
 
Alan Clogwyn said:
I'd love to be proved wrong but I don't think a truly amicable divorce is possible, best just get it over with and move on as the details don't really matter it's just a stepping stone. I have unreasonable behaviour hanging round my neck as grounds for our divorce when the actual reason was an affair on her part
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It's not really hanging round your neck though is it, there's nowhere you have to give grounds for divorce on a form, though car insurance may be heading that way judging by the 500 questions you have to answer:lol:

People in happy marriages don't have affairs, my first marriage ended when she had an affair but I drove her to it , married too young, bored rigid by the time we were 30 but tied up financially with a lot of history to keep it going until it fell apart, arguments, no interest in anything either of us did, sex non existant

the final straw was a holiday to las vegas, it was that bad if there'd been a separate seat on the plane I'd have been in it

a couple of months later it was over

Looking back I'm glad she did what she did because if she hadn't we'd probably still be together

Our divorce was amicable, no kids so we split everything down the middle , there was nothing I really wanted out of the furniture so I took the car and 1/2 the equity and we said goodbye, sort of, 22 years later I sometimes work for the company she works for so we have a chat but I don't have any feelings for her whatsoever
 
wack61 said:
People in happy marriages don't have affairs,
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Sorry for going off at a tangent OP but wack61.... RUBBISH!!!

I'd been with my ex wife about 5 years before we got married.

We were friends before we got together and I knew she had a somewhat "chequered" past but put that down to age (we were about 23 when we started seeing each other).

Her history included a string of "casual relationships" with married men when she had been in previous relationships.

No OK, there should have be my "don't get involved" warning but I'd always fancied her.

A couple of years into our relationship she got quite friendly with a guy at work...... did some digging and it was getting "too friendly" so I confronted her and we moved on.

We got married in 2005, I was happy and in love, would have done anything for her and pretty much took care of all the household chores etc.

At the beginning of 2007 I had my suspicions she was up to no good with another guy at work (someone I knew she used to have "thing" for) and by April I had my proof and confronted her...... 6 months later we split up and I felt like the bottom had fallen out of my World!

My view is some people are just cheaters and they'll never be happy as a relationship doesn't have the same excitement as sneaking round behind someone's back.

My ex may have been unhappy but it wasn't really my fault was it? If she was unhappy with me surely talking about it and trying to decide how to fix it or go our separate ways would have been a better way to do it rather than carrying on with another bloke behind my back?

Some people just aren't cut out for a monogomous marriage but maybe get married 'cos that's the done thing?
 
If she wasn't happy then it wasn't a happy marriage, QED

Okay she was wrong to cheat , but there's always a reason - not necessarily anything you did or didn't do , may be it was something in her past or childhood who knows - but Wacks point still stands - people don't cheat if they are happy in their relationships.
 
big soft moose said:
If she wasn't happy then it wasn't a happy marriage, QED

Okay she was wrong to cheat , but there's always a reason - not necessarily anything you did or didn't do , may be it was something in her past or childhood who knows - but Wacks point still stands - people don't cheat if they are happy in their relationships.
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Granted on face value but......... 3 years into our relationship she was on the verge of having an affair but a few months later agreed to marry me. We got married about 2 years later and she was messing around behind my back 18 months after being married.

To my mind she could have walked away before we got married or engaged rather than be unhappy in a relationship with me...... perhaps she just wanted to have her cake and eat it ;)
 
big soft moose said:
If she wasn't happy then it wasn't a happy marriage, QED

Okay she was wrong to cheat , but there's always a reason - not necessarily anything you did or didn't do , may be it was something in her past or childhood who knows - but Wacks point still stands - people don't cheat if they are happy in their relationships.
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:plusone:
 
It's not always the case, my ex husband just couldn't keep his trousers on, he had a string of girlfriends, even the long term ones were cheated on, he used being married as an excuse not to marry them, didn't want to leave, but had to in the end, then threatened to contest the divorce, till I hit him were it hurt, by threatening to take him for every penny unless he agreed, in which case just maintainence for our daughter.
I couldn't do him for adultery as I had known what was going on for more then 6 months so also had to resort to unreasonable behaviour.
I'll never forget one of his girlfriends phone me up in tears because he'd taken another woman to see her , by that time I knew what was going on and really didn't care anymore, just wanted rid of him :thumbs:
Even after he left and things didn't work out he came back asking to try again, absolutely no chance
 
Gremlin said:
It's not always the case, my ex husband just couldn't keep his trousers on, he had a string of girlfriends, even the long term ones were cheated on, he used being married as an excuse not to marry them, didn't want to leave, but had to in the end, then threatened to contest the divorce, till I hit him were it hurt, by threatening to take him for every penny unless he agreed, in which case just maintainence for our daughter.
I couldn't do him for adultery as I had known what was going on for more then 6 months so also had to resort to unreasonable behaviour.
I'll never forget one of his girlfriends phone me up in tears because he'd taken another woman to see her , by that time I knew what was going on and really didn't care anymore, just wanted rid of him :thumbs:
Even after he left and things didn't work out he came back asking to try again, absolutely no chance
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And therefore surely the perfect case in point?
 
Interesting reading. He and I are still talking and working it all out but all is going ok so far.

The main reason we split is that for the best part of 3 years i have been on my own anyway and he wouldn't get a different job. money was more important than our Marriage. yes the kids got spoilt and i got to travel a bit last year but only so much i could take considering where he is working too.
 
Russ77 said:
Sorry for going off at a tangent OP but wack61.... RUBBISH!!!?
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there's not one point in your post that makes me think she was in a happy relationship at any point she was with you so quite frankly it's not RUBBISH !!!

some people are users, you spot them and move on, what you don't do is ignore all the signs she's using you and carry on seeing her
 
I'm going through the same thing at the moment but touch wood no problems so far. Here's hoping it stays that way.
 
Tigger.ufo said:
If it was a happy marriage he would have kept it in his pants!
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viv1969 said:
Thank you. Saves me the trouble. :)
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Suppose if someone has never been with a serial adulterer you wouldn't understand :shrug:
But I later found out that things had been happening before we got married, so why did he bother?
Oh and the icing on the cake was HIS jealousy if I so much as spoke to or acknowledge another male, which my work at the time meant I was well known and couldn't ignore people
 
Gremlin said:
Suppose if someone has never been with a serial adulterer you wouldn't understand :shrug:
But I later found out that things had been happening before we got married, so why did he bother?
Oh and the icing on the cake was HIS jealousy if I so much as spoke to or acknowledge another male, which my work at the time meant I was well known and couldn't ignore people
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The circumstances are academic.

The bottom line is that HE was obviously not happy for whatever reason (insecurity, immaturity,just being a t****r) and as a result his behaviour caused the divorce eventually. If he had been totally happy with things as they were his behaviour would have reflected that. Stop making excuses for him!


Heather
 
Oh trust me I'm noot making excuses, what you called him is totally correct :thumbs:
 
Gremlin said:
Suppose if someone has never been with a serial adulterer you wouldn't understand :shrug:
But I later found out that things had been happening before we got married, so why did he bother?
Oh and the icing on the cake was HIS jealousy if I so much as spoke to or acknowledge another male, which my work at the time meant I was well known and couldn't ignore people
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I have. So your particular assumption is incorrect.
The clues were there and I chose to ignore them. I can admit that.
 
Are you testicles still where they should be ?

If so, probably not :lol:
 
turned sour. sad but hopefully we can still pull it round.
 
On the verge of Divorce myself. Been ok recently though. Worrying time!
 
gumbo-67 said:
turned sour. sad but hopefully we can still pull it round.
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pretty much bound too - dividing up assets and care of sprogs etc is always going to be a bitch

the best thing to do is get it over as quickly as possible , then maybe you can be friends again in the future

( a bloke I was at uni with had a very messy divorce in his early 30s - ten years later he's just got married again ... to the same girl ! )
 
No kids to sort out they are both at uni.. it is the pension and the house, well people that have been there know..
 
I must be very lucky then, married for 41 years and still going strong
 
Bazza i got to 22 years but yes your doing very very well..
 
gumbo-67 said:
No kids to sort out they are both at uni.. it is the pension and the house, well people that have been there know..
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yep dividing up the financial assetts is never going to be pretty - too many people (my patrents included) make a phyrric victory of this

that is they both have set ideas on what they are 'entitled to' and get into entrenched positions with no possibility of compromise... then they proceed to spent a shedload of cash fighting for their position until a court finally rules one way or another - at which point both parties find that their legal fees have eaten up most of what they got out of it so even the winner is worse off

eg. if theres £30k of equity and one party only wants to give the other a third but the other party wants a half is it really sensible to run up an £8k each legal bill fighting about it

so that at the end each party has a net £7k :bang:

(incidentally kids at university - or more specifically who was going to pay the fees, help with the support and in what proportion - was also a major bone of contention for my parents. I was well out of it by this point , but my sister had to take my father to court to get the money he'd agreed to pay for her - because his new partner wanted a new kitchen instead ! )
 
I'll end up with very little it is more that i want my "things". I refuse to line others pockets.
 
My divorce was as painless as it could be as she was the "guilty" party.

Made a business arrangemrnt over the house and when our youngest went to Uni (now 29) (My now youngest is with cuurent wife) I bought her out of the house. She has lost contact with our son and daughter and AFAIK through mutual friends, her 4th marriage is in trouble.

Divorce is never easy but when the "green eyed monster" rears its ugly head, the only winners are the lawyers.

In hindsight, I don't think getting married was the best option and any joint relationship should be subject to a formal contract, I believe that despite a relatively painless divorce a long time ago.

Steve
 
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