Divorce not fun..

gumbo-67

gumbo-67

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Terri
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Yes
as i am finding out, and we are still trying to be friends and do it as easy as possible..:shake:
 
Been there done that, pm me if you want an Internet shoulder to cry on. Went through it 10 years ago and it shredded my head.
 
Thanks Chris doing my head in a bit, just so much to cover and well.......
 
Good luck with it Terri. His current location can't help too much either :(
 
Keep it a amicable as possible. It will save a lot of stress and money. Trust me I know and even worse when there is a child involved :(.

Clarke.
 
it is much easier to negotiate with a terrorist than an x wife

good luck been there done that lost the t shirt
 
Been there done that lost everything.

Good luck.
 
Thanks guys we are trying to do it as nicely as we can i am the o be loosing one that seems to be the one that is going to loose the most. and the kids are grown now. still not fun.

Andrew your not wrong.

oh well i am sure we will get there in end.
 
These things happen. Good luck.

Will you make it to the Edinburgh meet in August?
 
Ken when is it i hadn't seen it? we could make that maybe.
 
Been their done that too. We are still mates though.
 
I can vouch for that too!!! The best bit of advice I got was to try and deal with each other as much as possible and avoid going through solicitors as they're the people who'll "win" in the end.

Things were quite amicable with my ex, she wouldn't admit to adultary or unreasonable behaviour and I wasn't prepared to pay for the divorce so we got a legal/financial separation document drawn up and then divorced 2 years later due to irreconcilable differences.

I took the agreement to my solicitor so she could give it a once over and she told me I should go for more money/"goods" etc which is against their code of conduct.

The more you fight between each other the more you just line the solicitors' pockets.
 
It always seems like its the man that ends off the worse! It's the children I feel for. My brothers have all been divorced and all my sister in laws!
 
We are trying not to fall out but it is hard at times. He has the house and everything in it and i will go own and get some of my things in September. when he is next home. and really don't want to start paying Solicitors if we don't need too.
 
gumbo-67 said:
We are trying not to fall out but it is hard at times. He has the house and everything in it and i will go own and get some of my things in September. when he is next home. and really don't want to start paying Solicitors if we don't need too.
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good call on that - my mum and dad managed to spend £16k between them on solicitors during their divorce - and a mates family spent so much money fighting over about £30k equity in the house that by the time they'd paid their legal bills there wasnt any equity left ! - something of a phyric victory i'd say.

That said , based on what you've said I' have expected the house to be sold and equity split , or for one partner to buy the other one out , unless theres a major factor you havent mentioned, so i'd suggest you get some legal advice even if you don't wind up hiring represntation
 
Pete no major factor i am with someone else but that is not a factor in it. he doesn't want to sell the house as he want to keep it for him and the kids but doesn't want ot buy me out. just wants to give me a one off payment. and it is well below what i was expecting him to say and i was being kind too and no where near what i have been told i could ask for. an that is without me even thinking about his pension ( i won't do that). i have been to see someone and what they were saying i am not going to do. at the end of the day they are my kids and need a home but i don't see why i should get nothing after 22 years.
Sorry to prattle on. Terri
 
gumbo-67 said:
Pete no major factor i am with someone else but that is not a factor in it. he doesn't want to sell the house as he want to keep it for him and the kids but doesn't want ot buy me out. just wants to give me a one off payment. and it is well below what i was expecting him to say and i was being kind too and no where near what i have been told i could ask for. an that is without me even thinking about his pension ( i won't do that). i have been to see someone and what they were saying i am not going to do. at the end of the day they are my kids and need a home but i don't see why i should get nothing after 22 years.
Sorry to prattle on. Terri
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You need to speak to a solicitor, Terri.

An amicable split can only work if it is fair and both parties are happy with the deal, neither of which seems to be the case.



Heather
 
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From experience money really isn't everything..... I found out my ex had been messing around with a bloke at work as we were in the process of buying a new house but she swore it was nothing and my fault for not paying her enough attention and all the other cliche excuses in the book and that the wanted to work on the marriage.

A few days after we excahgned I got the "I don't think I want to be married any more" speech and a week after we moved in she said it was over......

I didn't move out as I was advised that would weaken my position in terms of any settlement/rights to the house so lived there with her for about 3-4 months.

We put the place straight back on the marked at the end of 2007 and had 1 viewing in 3 months so I said she could buy me out for about half of what would be my half of any equity (£6K). She took an age to deliberate over it and I was at the point of just walking away from it as I'd lost 2st in weight and just felt ill all the time. She eventually agreed to it but the kicker was that when I went to sign the forms "his" name was on the mortgage application which did seriously p1ss me off but in hind sight it was no big deal.

6 years on I'm happier than I've ever been, married to a fantastic woman and looking to start a family.

Yes I could have fought it out, gone for a bit more money but it would have probably made me more bitter and twisted in the process.
 
Terri, as Pete has pointed out, divorce is expensive,
(been there done that got the T-Shirt, and a massive bill to boot.)
The system does seem to be weighed in favour of the female,
but as your soon to be Ex has the "kids" that may go a little in his favour.

Having said that, you are entitled to roughly half of everything including his pension,
and the house.
(or even one or the other, value depending)

It does however seem to me is that you are not really prepared to "fight" for what is yours.
So you either have to go see a solicitor, and get what you are entitled to,
or just take what you are offered, which as you have already said is "minimal"

It really is your call, no one can tell you, what to do,
us that have been through it, can offer an opinion of course and hope that
it helps you to see the best way forward, for you and yours.

Good luck which ever way you decide to go. :)
 
gumbo-67 said:
Pete no major factor i am with someone else but that is not a factor in it. he doesn't want to sell the house as he want to keep it for him and the kids but doesn't want ot buy me out. just wants to give me a one off payment. and it is well below what i was expecting him to say and i was being kind too and no where near what i have been told i could ask for. an that is without me even thinking about his pension ( i won't do that). i have been to see someone and what they were saying i am not going to do. at the end of the day they are my kids and need a home but i don't see why i should get nothing after 22 years.
Sorry to prattle on. Terri
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These days you are pretty much entitled to half his pension and half the house , or more ( alot of blokes get taken to the cleaners - not that i'm suggesting you do that)

One option (and definitely speak to a solicitor as i'm only speaking from experience of what my parents went through) is for you to have a "martin order" on the house for the difference of between half the equity and what he wants to give you

that effectively means that if he sells you get the value of the order

Another option is to have a delayed settlement where you get the balance when the kids are 18 or leave full time education.

while another would be to remain co owners and have him pay you rent for your share until such a time as he sells (you could have a notional ammount for housing the kids knocked off the 'rent' )

You also need to pin down what you are going to do about child maintenance if anything. (ie are you going to pay a percentage of their expenses, and igf so when will you stop doing so) and also what you asre doing about joint liabilities for debt etc

and anything thats agreed has to be legally watertight , because it might be amicable now, but thats not to say it will be amicable for ever - especially if he meets someone else and she isnt so keen on the amicable arrangement etc

As chris said it can only ever be your call, but please feel free to pm if you want to talk through anything you don't want on an open forum
 
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You need some legal advice. CAB or Scottish equivalent should be able to help for free.
 
Gin and Tonic legal advice is about the worst thing you can seek.
If you've got a Solicitor listen to them as they are working in your best interests. Remember too you should be offered the chance of going to arbitration and settle matters amicably. But remember too you have rights and shouldn't offer yourself as a doormat!
 
srichards said:
You need some legal advice. CAB or Scottish equivalent should be able to help for free.
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but be aware that rights can differ in scotland - and as you originally lived and were married south of the border it will be English rights that matter, so make sure your solicitor/advisor knows it's an english case
 
lots that i didn't know i now have to think about... thank you everyone i am seeing someone to talk about all this but it helps that there are people with experience giving me input.

thank you all once again
 
gumbo-67 said:
i am seeing someone to talk about all this
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Good plan :thumbs:
I don't know if it works the same up there as it does down here,
but you can usually get half an hour to an hours free consultation.
 
Incidentally except in cases where a crime has been commited (as with domestic violence cases etc) the concept of blame has been removed from divorce law, so a court won't take notice of whose 'fault' it was that the marriage went south ( probably because in 99% of cases there is blame on both sides when a relationship goes pop)

(this is a funny one because unreasonable behaviour or adultery are still grounds for divorce, but the court mostly doesnt take account of who behaved unreasonably or played away when making a settlement)

you may find this helpful http://www.lawpack.co.uk/separation-and-divorce/item4799.asp (although stuff like that should not be a substitue for proper legal advice)
 
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Could Relate help? I know they are all about saving a marriage but they may be able to advise and help work things out.
 
Thank you everyone, my head is up my you know what, i have note and taken everything in well most of it.. "he" has just phoned again and well we are trying.. i have been to see some one but it is all so over my head i need to go and talk again bu it all costs and i have no income at the moment so over a barrel i am..
anyway i am sure it will work out in the end not as if i am dying...
 
cambsno said:
Could Relate help? I know they are all about saving a marriage but they may be able to advise and help work things out.
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errrrr no he is in Afghan and i am in scotland he wouldn't anyway. but thanks for thinking about it..
 
Would you not qualify for legal aid if you have no income, Terri?

It is there for people who need legal representation but do not have the means to pay for it.


Heather
 
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Tigger.ufo said:
Would you not qualify for legal aid if you have no income, Terri?

It is there for people who need legal representation but do not have the means to pay for it.

Heather
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Legal aid rules changed in April this year. I think there are very few circumstances that it covers for divorce.
 
Tigger.ufo said:
Would you not qualify for legal aid if you have no income, Terri?

It is there for people who need legal representation but do not have the means to pay for it.


Heather
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I am looking into getting some help but as of yet because of the law change i can't get legal aid it would seem.

As i said my head i all over the place at the moment.
 
Sorry to hear that, didn't realise :bang:


Heather
 
Terri you're entitled to half his pension because you've paid half in, you shouldn't look at it as it's his because he was the one who worked

You worked too, bringing up kids on your own is hard work and poverty in retirement isn't much of a reward

You need to be tough but fair, solicitors love a fight, the money will soon be gone playing he says she says at £100+ an hour

you both need to understand that
 
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