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I've not done these for quite awhile
so by way of happy Christmas to you all,
here's a few totally non seasonal jokes
SAUSAGES
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot
of money between them,
they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.Shamus said 'Are you
crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'Murphy replied, '
Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it.
Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't
got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a
plan , Cheers!
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in
your mouth.
'The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out..
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all
for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do
any more of this.
I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said,
'How do you think I feel?
I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.
..........................................................
Dear Thorsby School.
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
senior citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at the
Sunnybrook Assisted Home for the Aged. My family have all
passed away and I am alone so thank you for your kindness to
a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had
her own radio, but she would never let me listen to hers,
even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke
into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine but I told her to f'k
off.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna.
.....................................................
Man goes into Doctors.
"I think I've got this bird flu thing that's been going round."
The doctor says, "What makes you think that?"
The man replies, "Well I've starting wearing make up, talking [PLEASE DON'T TRY TO BYPASS THE SWEAR FILTER] and I can't park the f'king car
.........................................................
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic,
but direction less.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
.................................................
And finally my personal favourite
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes
to the
Door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady
'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust...
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man,
and he asks the
Same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door
again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
happened for the
Last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned
voice 'Honey I am taking
Tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the
door. The
Husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to
hide behind the door and listen
And if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question
because I want to see where he
Is going with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same
fellow is
Standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'.......
'Yes' she says......
The man replies Good
Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and
start using yours'?
......................................................................
so by way of happy Christmas to you all,
here's a few totally non seasonal jokes
SAUSAGES
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot
of money between them,
they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the
butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.Shamus said 'Are you
crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'Murphy replied, '
Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it.
Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't
got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a
plan , Cheers!
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in
your mouth.
'The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out..
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all
for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do
any more of this.
I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said,
'How do you think I feel?
I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.
..........................................................
Dear Thorsby School.
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
senior citizens luncheon.
I am 84 years old and live at the
Sunnybrook Assisted Home for the Aged. My family have all
passed away and I am alone so thank you for your kindness to
a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had
her own radio, but she would never let me listen to hers,
even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke
into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine but I told her to f'k
off.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna.
.....................................................
Man goes into Doctors.
"I think I've got this bird flu thing that's been going round."
The doctor says, "What makes you think that?"
The man replies, "Well I've starting wearing make up, talking [PLEASE DON'T TRY TO BYPASS THE SWEAR FILTER] and I can't park the f'king car
.........................................................
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic,
but direction less.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
.................................................
And finally my personal favourite
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes
to the
Door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady
'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust...
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man,
and he asks the
Same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door
again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
happened for the
Last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned
voice 'Honey I am taking
Tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the
door. The
Husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to
hide behind the door and listen
And if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question
because I want to see where he
Is going with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same
fellow is
Standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina'.......
'Yes' she says......
The man replies Good
Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and
start using yours'?
......................................................................
