Child's Death in the family....What do I do?

Brocks

Brocks

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I received word that a 5 year old family member died suddenly last night. It has presented me with one hell of a dilemma.

The child is the Step Grand-daughter of my brother. I only met the child 4 times at most. The problem is that when my parents died my family fell out big time. My brother and I have not spoken for 3-4 years and frankly that’s been fine. I won’t drag up all that history. We received the news from my sister in law this morning, and she was asked to pass on my brother’s phone number. Is it a sign he wants to talk?

I feel I cannot punish the bereaved mother for the problems between my brother, his partner (and blood grand-mother to the dead child) and I. However, I remember when our last remaining aunty was in hospital recently and it didn’t look good, They were the only family members to do naff all. Not even a call to her or a card.

Its sad news and I feel for the family, but I don’t feel any sense of loss. As I say I barely knew the child. At my father’s funeral two years ago I learnt that the bereaved mother had another 2 year old child. The family didn’t even announce the birth. I feel absolutely no compulsion to go to the funeral or contact the family….BUT they are family and I do have a sense of loyalty.

What do I do?
 
i can understand that its a very personal dilema.

perhaps if you send a card or bunch of flowers with your phone number on them, that puts the ball into his court if he does wish to speak to you?
 
This is a tough one, I would maybe ask yourself, do you really want to be in contact with your brother again??

If the answer to this is yes then maybe send a card with a phone number on it and say something like if you want to talk get in touch, that way its him doing the running at your say so.

I had a situation about 15 years ago with my brother, we had a terrible fight(I broke his jaw, not proud but it was that bad) over his ex wife, no i vowed then that as long as he was with her I would never speak to him again, even told my mam to make a will as if she died everything will come to me and he would get nothing.
He divorsed her some time later( 4 years) and I got in touch via email, just before my mams 60th and to this date its the best thing I ever did, blood is thicker than water and it is goos to have familt=y no matter how bad things get.

Spike

P.S I still HATE his ex with a vengeance
 
Had a similar thing with my family a few years back never spoke to my mother for over 10 years then my brother became very ill I decided to try to talk to her was rejected at first even at his funeral but when she had an accident and was quite ill I tried again now we are as close as ever and I visit every week and chat on phone.My main motivation was if she died it would be to late to make up so I did all the runnning to repair our relationship. Your a little different your brother is probably a similar age to you so time may be on your side What ever you decide good luck and best wishes
Bob
 
Thanks everyone.

The more I think about it, the less I want to go to the funeral. I'll send a card to the family I think.

I tried to sort things out a couple of years ago. We exchanged frank opinions and shook hands. We have since sent Birthday money and Christmas cards to his family without so much as a thank you. They have sent nothing in return. They haven't acknowleged the birth of our sons and didn't reply to the christening invites.

They caused a public row at Mum's funeral and did all they could to spoil dads funeral.

Its a situation that has existed all our lives...I decided enough was enough a long time ago.
 
Brocks said:
Thanks everyone.

The more I think about it, the less I want to go to the funeral. I'll send a card to the family I think.

I tried to sort things out a couple of years ago. We exchanged frank opinions and shook hands. We have since sent Birthday money and Christmas cards to his family without so much as a thank you. They have sent nothing in return. They haven't acknowleged the birth of our sons and didn't reply to the christening invites.

They caused a public row at Mum's funeral and did all they could to spoil dads funeral.

Its a situation that has existed all our lives...I decided enough was enough a long time ago.
Click to expand...

It sounds fine to send a card. It would be good if you could handwrite a message of condolence in the card (eg "We are so sorry to hear of your tragic loss and can only imagine the grief you are experiencing. Your are in our thoughts ") and add your telephone number at the bottom
 
The card seems like a good option and a way of expressing your condolances for the loss of the child.
 
I'm sort of in agreement with Mynx above.
That he's passed his number on sounds like an olive branch.
Only you know how you feel though, but if you don't make a move to contact him, will you regret it in 10 years time. If you do, and it's a problem, then you were right, but at least you made the effort. If you do make contact and things have changed and you get your brother back then that's great.
What's there to loose?

I realise that there are details that you haven't shared and I'm putting this in very b & w terms, so sorry if it seems too blunt given the circumstances.
 
If you have the number then call. Sounds like you have done the decent thing the whole way through, and they may feel that they can't call, despite wanting too. they can only hang up, and it could be the best thing you ever did.
 
Family arguements are a bitch. They really are especially when both parties believe they are right and wont back down. By the sound of things from what you where saying you have been completely left out of things from that side of the family (not telling you about the birth of the other child and such) and now they want to get in contact. Personally i would feel a bit bitter about the whole thing. If the situation being reversed, would your brother make the effort for you if it was your loss? and the other point of "well you haven't really made an effort about sorting things out or updating me on your side of things so why should i be bothered now?" Again this is just me personally, only because I have been stabbed in the back by a lot of people i considered very close friends, and its made me very tough and hard to trust or get close to people. I also don't know what level of bad terms you and your brother stopped talking on. On the flip side i do know that losing a loved one can put things into perspective for people and actually reunite family members who stopped talking. My wife and her dad where a perfect example of this and they are both on great terms now and i hadn't even met her dad until after 5 years of being with her and i only got to meet him after we got married. He got in contact and made an effort only after both his mum and dad died (4 weeks apart) and it kind of changed him. I think he only saw our son on one occasion a few days after he was born, and didnt send cards or birthday gifts or anything. Now hes nearly 4 and he gets everything now.

So if you really want to see if this opens a new door for you and your brother I would say go for it. Don't be bitter, reopen old wounds, or anything like that and don't expect too much if not anything at all. At least this way if he still tries to be nasty about the whole thing, you will come out the best one because you made the effort and that counts a lot.
 
I think a card / flowers to let them know you are thinking of them and to acknowledge the horrible thing that has happened is the best idea.

I would say offer your support but leave it in their (your brothers) hands to make the first move with regards rebuilding your relationship. He is obviously able to get in contact if he wants to (via your sister in law). This might sound a bit heartless given the circumstances but it sounds like you have put yourself out there before and been rejected. The poor child dying may well have changed your brothers persepective on things but as you were not close to the child I don't think you should be made to feel that it changes your position.

Family is a delicate subject and I'm saying this only from the details you have posted - it just sounds like you got to a point where you had to draw the line and now any reconciliation would have to be on equal terms. Of course you have sympathy for the situation they are in but it doesn't actually change what has gone before. Basically - protect yourself and your family that have been there for the last 4 years, and don't feel guilty about it.
 
I'd say just a card, then if they need you they will know you are there.

No matter who is in the wrong originally it would be unkind to maybe create a situation where there could be more ill feeling caused. I'm in no way saying it would be your fault though.
 
Well to wrap this up, I got a message from my brother asking us to go. I swallowed my pride and went to the funeral. An uncomfortable and sad affair but I'm glad I went. My brother's partner had one little pop at me but I let it lie. There was no point rising to it. The mother is so strong. I'm so impressed with her. I guess the coming days will hit home as the routine has gone.

The family now have to go through an inquest in the comming months as 3 doctors missed the illness that lead to the death. No one deserves that.
 
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