anyone about who can cheer me up?

A BIG hug for you plus a joke

Somebody stole my wives knickers off the line last night.
She dont want them back but would like the 22 pegs back
 
Good glad to hear it. You ok or are you feeling down today.

Heres another.

My wife looks into the bedroom mirror and says.

"I'm fat I'm ugly and my tits are saggy... Say something to cheer me up"

I reply with " your eye sight is spot on "
 
feeling down tbh but ill get over it, just needed cheering up so keep them coming :D
 
My local icecream man was found unconcious in his van last night. He was covered in hundreds and thousand so the police believe he tried to top himself
 
3 men in prison are wondering how they are going to spend their time behind bars.
Scotsman says: I've a mouth organ so I can play music to pass the time away.
Englishman says: I've a pack of cards so we can play poker to pass the time away.
Irishman says: Well I bet you both as I've a box of tampons so I wont be board cos it says on the box I can ride, swim, ski&play tennis with these
 
A man is sitting at the dinner table reading the daily news paper, when all of a sudden his wife hits him over the head.
He asks "What the hell the was that for ?"
She replies " I've just found a note piece of paper in your coat pocket with Sexy Sarah written on it"
Quick as a flash he replies " you silly mar that the name of the horse from last weeks races" Which she Accepts.
A week later she hits him over the head with a frying pan.
"****ing hell what was that for" He asks
She replies " Well ** ****ing horse phoned today"
 
Man walks into a pharmacy and asks: Where are the tampons?
Assisatant replies" Over by the cotton wool"
The man comes bk with cotton wool and a toilet roll.
Assistant says " Thought you wanted tampons?"
Man replies " I asked her to get me fags and she comes bk with baccy instead. So she can go and roll her own bloody tampons.
 
Sexual Positions - part 1:

the 'Double Bass'

A sexual position in which the man enters the lady from behind, and then fiddles with the her nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

:whistling:
 
Ahh, so it's 'random' you want, hun...?

Below are a list of real websites. Unfortunately, they should have looked at the basics (such as URL ) before using them :p


‘Who Represents‘ www.whorepresents.com - or is it Whore Presents

Experts Exchange, www.expertsexchange.com - or is it Expert Sex Change

i'm sure you can deciper the rest of the fail-URLs :lol:

Pen Island www.penisland.net

Therapist Finder www.therapistfinder.com

Italian Power Generator company www.powergenitalia.com

Mole Station Nursery www.molestationnursery.com

speed of Art www.speedofart.com

Lake Tahoe tourism www.gotahoe.com

Giles park farm http://www.farmergiles.co.uk/
 
they are some grate fails :thumbs: you would think companies would have people to look at this sort of thing.
 
I've been in the house 50 minutes and I still have the ridges running along my head in my hair from my bike helmet :D
 
Toothie said:
they are some grate fails :thumbs: you would think companies would have people to look at this sort of thing.
Click to expand...
this one is one of my personal favourites, lol!

eSarcasm has some pictorial company name belters too http://www.esarcasm.com/8983/funny-company-names/ :)

Anyways, back to randomness...

I learned something new today. Apparently the 'F' word is an acronym:

Around the 16th/17th centuary the clerk of the court didn't have stuff to help record proceedings, and used abbreviations & acronyms during his record writing during a hearing.

When there was someone infront of the beak for a sex related crime (adultery, prostitution, rape, etc) the court clerk would use the 'F' word to abbreviate Felony Using Carnal Knowledge, hence the meaning of that word today.

I wonder if there's truth about the acronym for PRIEST;

Paedofile Residing In Every Small Town.
 
Shocking but it made me smile:

I think I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid. I'm not too worried about it though; I can stop whenever I want.
 
Mmmmm, yum yum!

Muffins.jpg
 
I can think of half a million jokes, but I think this cartoon I did a couple of years ago should do the job.

Sharkcartoon.jpg
 
Top punchline to that cartoon, Ian. :thumbs:

Do you know what's good for Wind..................?





..... a Kite :D
 
Just come back from a once in a lifetime holiday....... Jeez, let me tell you its the last time I am doing that!

Dunc
 
Knock knock
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor Who?
Correct, can I come in now?
 
MScotts said:
Ahh, so it's 'random' you want, hun...?

Below are a list of real websites. Unfortunately, they should have looked at the basics (such as URL ) before using them :p


‘Who Represents‘ www.whorepresents.com - or is it Whore Presents

Experts Exchange, www.expertsexchange.com - or is it Expert Sex Change

i'm sure you can deciper the rest of the fail-URLs :lol:

Pen Island www.penisland.net

Therapist Finder www.therapistfinder.com

Italian Power Generator company www.powergenitalia.com

Mole Station Nursery www.molestationnursery.com

speed of Art www.speedofart.com

Lake Tahoe tourism www.gotahoe.com

Giles park farm http://www.farmergiles.co.uk/
Click to expand...



You missed out.... Gas heating... www.gasheating.com
 
Wow i'm impressed at the effort TP members will go to cheer people up :D

Ian thats very impressive especially as Im learning to scuba dive :D
 
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