and now the end is near

Hell on earth

Hell on earth

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Helen
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My Friend for 30 years and Godfather to my first born Sarah

Doug 1989 OM10

Doug and Sarah 1989 by HS-uk, on Flickr

Battled with the big C and a stroke for 10 years
First bowel Cancer now Pancreatic Cancer
Taken in to hospital on Christmas day
Doctor told me today, could be anytime but no more than a couple of weeks...

Even though you know one day this would come, the evilness of a slow death is so heart breaking to watch

He said to me, Don't let yourself end up dying this way, find a way out first...

I hope I never do end up that way, but we don't always have control

H
 
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Very sad :'( it's never going to be easy to see a loved one approaching the end, part of me having seen my mum so close to the end still cannot get that out of my mind, it wasn't my mum anymore just thinking about it now in order to type this is making me tear up...makes be believe its far better for it to be quick, without warning...I don't envy you being able to say your goodbyes it's the hardest time I've ever tried to live thorough :(

Try and be strong for your friend but make sure you've got support around you
 
MWHCVT said:
Very sad :crying: it's never going to be easy to see a loved one approaching the end, part of me having seen my mum so close to the end still cannot get that out of my mind, it wasn't my mum anymore just thinking about it now in order to type this is making me tear up...makes be believe its far better for it to be quick, without warning...I don't envy you being able to say your goodbyes it's the hardest time I've ever tried to live thorough :(

Try and be strong for your friend but make sure you've got support around you
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Being strong, yeah I'm trying, Told him to stop wasting NHS resources, he likes a bit of black humor

I lost another friend 2 years ago, instant dead, that was much harder to come to terms with, she was only 46, taken away without warning, the shock of it, hurts very much even now as a lawsuit is ongoing and can't talk about it, no closure yet.


I've known for awhile this illness would take Doug, so not so hard to come to terms with, but the suffering is evil, that's the hard part

Sorry about your mum x

H
 
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I lost both my parents the same way and I'm determined that if it ever comes to me I'll take that other way out myself if I can. Not just for myself but to spare those I love too.
 
It's a b a s t a r d of a disease. My dad only lasted 12 months or so from diagnosis to death. Horrible.
 
At the risk of getting political...

If we let a pet go through the suffering that we humans sometimes go through at the end, we would be prosecuted for cruelty. I know full well that the Liverpool Care Pathway is horrible to see someone you love go through after Mum went down it but we all knew as a family that carrying on as a vegetable would have been even worse for her. The sooner assisted end of life is permitted the better IMO - euthanasia should be an option available to Homo sapiens as well as our pets and other animals.
 
Nod said:
At the risk of getting political...

If we let a pet go through the suffering that we humans sometimes go through at the end, we would be prosecuted for cruelty. I know full well that the Liverpool Care Pathway is horrible to see someone you love go through after Mum went down it but we all knew as a family that carrying on as a vegetable would have been even worse for her. The sooner assisted end of life is permitted the better IMO - euthanasia should be an option available to Homo sapiens as well as our pets and other animals.
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Couldn't agree more, it's the last kind thing we do for our pets, why can't we do it for the people we love? Instead of seeing them suffer and lose all their dignity
 
Meant to add a little comfort for Helen.

I'm sure you're being as strong for Doug as you can be. Not sure how awake and aware he is but they do say the hearing is the last thing to go, so keep talking to him, I'm sure he'll appreciate your kind (and maybe irreverent) words. I hope his passing goes with as little discomfort as possible and that you can remember the good times and more importantly, forget the crap ones.
 
Potentially in a similar situation with my Nan at the moment.....

She's 84 and over the last 18 months or so has has both her breasts removed due to cancer (with follow-up treatments of radiotherapy)

4 weeks ago she had to stay in hospital to have one of her lungs drained and some scans. She then got an appointment through to see an oncologist(sp?) next month.

A week before Xmas she was struggling for breath again so had to spend another few nights in hospital while she had her lung(s) drained again. Xrays have shown a mass on her left lung. No one's commited to saying what that mass is likely to be but reading between the lines it's not particularly good :(

Grandad died of lung cancer in 1997 and Nan's told my Dad she's certain she's got cancer and she feels like she's not going to wake up in the mornings :(

Now if this "mass" is nothing to worry about and they can sort out the fluid build up then so be it. If it's more sinister than that I sincerely hope nature takes it's course as quikly as possible, no one deserves to suffer, especially someone's who's 84 years old and heading towards "natural" life expectancy (without wanting to sound harsh).

I think what makes it harder is that she's been very fit & healthy up until now but really seems to have got old in the last 2-3 years.

Totally agree with the sentiments regarding euthenasia, it's a little cliche to say "you wouldn't let an animal suffer like that" but it's true. At the moment nan's not that ill in herself and was still able to spend Xmas day and Boxing day with us and other members of the family which was great but if the time comes when she's just being kept comfortable with no chance of recovery then that's not fair on her or anyone.
 
Thanks for the replies
I too agree euthanasia should be an option in cases like this, he is going to die, there is nothing that can be done to stop that, if he could he would end it now
I don't blame the medical staff, their hands are tied
To end your own life without help is far from simple

Nod, he is aware of what is going on, that makes it harder in some ways, he knows he is just waiting to die
There is nothing you can do or say to comfort him, show some love and talk about good times but little more

H
 
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I know full well that had Mum been able to squirrel away any pills and taken her own life had she been able but she was unable to swallow so all meds were done via either IV or feeding tube. If we could have, we would have and her last months were hell for her and us.

Hopefully Doug still has a sense of humour and can enjoy some aspects of his final days - all anyone can do is try to make them less unbearable. As you say, love and talk of better times. If there are any little treats he doesn't get from the hospital/hospice, maybe you could take them in for him? Maybe a nip of his favourite tipple?

Don't forget that when he's released from his living hell, life must go on for those he'll leave behind and I'm sure he would hate to think that they'll spend too long grieving for him. Hard as it'll be, celebrate his life when he's gone, but don't dwell on the past decade. My thoughts are with you and them.
 
Nod said:
I know full well that had Mum been able to squirrel away any pills and taken her own life had she been able but she was unable to swallow so all meds were done via either IV or feeding tube. If we could have, we would have and her last months were hell for her and us.

Hopefully Doug still has a sense of humour and can enjoy some aspects of his final days - all anyone can do is try to make them less unbearable. As you say, love and talk of better times. If there are any little treats he doesn't get from the hospital/hospice, maybe you could take them in for him? Maybe a nip of his favourite tipple?

Don't forget that when he's released from his living hell, life must go on for those he'll leave behind and I'm sure he would hate to think that they'll spend too long grieving for him. Hard as it'll be, celebrate his life when he's gone, but don't dwell on the past decade. My thoughts are with you and them.
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Thanks Nod
He finds it very hard to eat, just comes back up but he asked for Rolos so I popped out to get some, he had one, I asked him if I can have the last one, NO! was the reply, bloody old git says me :rolleyes:

H
 
Just what you'd expect, probably!
 
Just heard, they have stopped all medi's apart from painkillers and fluids (intravenous) going to move him to a Macmillian hospice asap

H
 
Far less "medical" than a hospital and the personal care's better - he's going to a better place (no pun intended.)
 
Nod said:
Far less "medical" than a hospital and the personal care's better - he's going to a better place (no pun intended.)
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I agree, they gave him the option to move and he is happy with that


H
 
just been through this my self with my own dad, he had been fighting cancer for 7 years and after 5 major operations and 14 tumors removed it finally finished him off on the 10th of this month aged 71.
we had his funeral 9 days later, he was given 2-3 months maybe as long as a year in september.
first thing we did was a family holiday to turkey for 28 of us to give him a good old time to remember. sadly he went down hill very quickly and has now gone forever.
its not any easier for us knowing he was going to be taken away but the fact he is not suffering any more is our only comfort.
hard times ahead for you be strong for his friends and family
 
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terryuk said:
its not any easier for us knowing he was going to be taken away but the fact he is not suffering any more is our only comfort.
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I felt exactly the same when my Father died of cancer a while back.
 
Up till now I've not cried, did not want him seeing me upset, but my youngest daughter just called very upset, well that got the tears going :(
Deep breath...
So sorry to those that have lost someone close

H
 
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Cancer is such a horrible, horrible disease and I hope you can get through this. This is going to sound strange I know, but being told a loved one only has so long to live can be a blessing in a very odd disguise. A few years ago a friend, the best drummer I ever had the privilege to play with, an amazing guy much loved by many, dropped dead at 43 years of age from pancreatic cancer that no-one knew about. He had a young son (around 3-4 years old) and was just an all round awesome guy, and just like that he was gone. Someone else in the group of musicians I was doing stuff with at the time found him dead, needless to say we were all messed up for quite a while.

A few years later one of my best friends, a guy I'd lived with for a bit in Portugal, toured and shared so many stages and good times with, decided he'd had enough of life and killed himself. I felt like the bottom had fallen out of my little world when I found out and I still feel the same now whenever I think of him or see photos of him. I never had chance to say goodbye to either of those guys and that's something that haunts me to this day. You never really get over losing a loved one, and I think losing someone so suddenly is just about the most hurtful experience a human being can ever have to go through (although unfortunately you already know that).

Make the most of the time you have together, the fact you had this time will be of comfort in the long run. :)
 
Very sorry to hear about your friend. We were in a similar situation this time last year..

Many many years ago nan had and successfully beat cancer.

However Nan went into hospital over last Christmas with suspected pneumonia (for the second time, first time a few years back saw her in icu in an induced coma for about a week). She was in over Christmas which was kinda odd with her not being there etc, went to see her Boxing Day and she was looking well (this incidentally was the last time I saw her concious).

Was released on meds a few days later, then a few days into the first week of January she went downhill big time and went into icu and quickly became unconscious. Turns out she had undiagnosed very advanced secondary cancer and following the advice of the hospital they turned off her meds andwe lost her a day or two later.

Its a horrible situation and a horrible time of year for it to be happening. My biggest regret is not getting to see her before she lost consciousness.

My thoughts and best wishes..
 
Thanks Neil
So sorry to hear about your Nan

H
 
Make sure you remember the good things with your friend while you can. I went through this in may with my brother. He was told he has arthritus of the spine and was set to go for an operation in march, when he got to the hospital they realised it was something else and couldn't do the op. He was transferred to another hospital who said he had a Chordoma cancer of the spine and it was treatable but after only 5 weeks of finding out he even had the disease he died and the last week of the 5 he was basically in a coma. Apparently, he'd had a massive cancer that started in his stomach up to 2 years ago and it had spread to his spine long before he got any symptoms. He was only 3 weeks short of his 50th birthday when he died and he'd been fit all his life. It was such a shock for us all and it all happened so fast we really didn't have any time to say goodbye properly (he never left medical care after he was diagnosed) and do the things we always wanted to.

It's awful to see anyone in this situation and I feel for you Helen, and all the other posters who have been in a similar situation, but make the most out of every day you have left. I was with him for every day for the last week up to the last few hours when my sister in law started a massive row in front of him and had myself and our parents thrown out of the hospice and that practically destroyed my mum and dad. I'm sure that wont happen in your situation though, but the time you spend with your loved ones at the end does help a lot after they've gone so make the most of every moment.
 
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modchild said:
Make sure you remember the good things with your friend while you can. I went through this in may with my brother. He was told he has arthritus of the spine and was set to go for an operation in march, when he got to the hospital they realised it was something else and couldn't do the op. He was transferred to another hospital who said he had a Chordoma cancer of the spine and it was treatable but after only 5 weeks of finding out he even had the disease he died and the last week of the 5 he was basically in a coma. Apparently, he'd had a massive cancer that started in his stomach up to 2 years ago and it had spread to his spine long before he got any symptoms. He was only 3 weeks short of his 50th birthday when he died and he'd been fit all his life. It was such a shock for us all and it all happened so fast we really didn't have any time to say goodbye properly (he never left medical care after he was diagnosed) and do the things we always wanted to.

It's awful to see anyone in this situation and I feel for you Helen, and all the other posters who have been in a similar situation, but make the most out of every day you have left. I was with him for every day for the last week up to the last few hours when my sister in law started a massive row in front of him and had myself and our parents thrown out of the hospice and that practically destroyed my mum and dad. I'm sure that wont happen in your situation though, but the time you spend with your loved ones at the end does help a lot after they've gone so make the most of every moment.
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Stuart, I'm so sorry to hear this about your brother you have my sympathy and thank you for yours

This last 24 hour have been hell for me, I have lost control and can't stop crying, I'm in a mess, somehow I need to recompose myself to see him again tomorrow, for what may well be the last time
He may well pass before then, I have not yet said goodbye, I don't want too but I know time is running out
I feel selfish to want him to hold on till I see him again :(

H
 
Hell on earth said:
Stuart, I'm so sorry to hear this about your brother you have my sympathy and thank you for yours

This last 24 hour have been hell for me, I have lost control and can't stop crying, I'm in a mess, somehow I need to recompose myself to see him again tomorrow, for what may well be the last time
He may well pass before then, I have not yet said goodbye, I don't want too but I know time is running out
I feel selfish to want him to hold on till I see him again :(

H
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It's not selfish it's a human instinct to not want to let a loved one go, I truly hope you get chance to say your goodbyes I really do...it's going to be so hard there's no lying to you to say that is isn't, make sure you've got support that's the only advice I can really give :)
 
So sorry to read this. It's a horrible thing to see your friend and loved one suffer in such a way.
 
You aren't being selfish hoping for him to hold on till you say goodbye, but do it soon. Who knows how the poor guy is feeling, my brother was almost comatose for a week before he died and we made sure we all said our goodbyes when this happened. They say the last thing to go is the hearing so your comforting words will help. It always seems hardest on the ones that are left behind but the staff of the hospice my brother was in were fantastic, they really helped by keeping everyone as calm as possible. I wouldn't want their job for anything. In the end you know that it's a blessing when they do go as they suffer so much, my brother was half his size at the end and that was in 5-6 weeks, and in so much pain when it did start. Thankfully, I suppose, he didn't suffer for too long for because of the short time it seemed even harder for us to come to terms with it.
 
I had cancer years back and it was pretty grim, its an awful disease and I had what I thought were friends that never came to see me... it was like they avoided me

Your love and support will be such a comfort to your friend I am sure of that.

I lost my Mother a few years after I had my cancer then I discovered I was unable to have children because of the chemo and then the child I adopted was found to have autism.

Life can be naff but I know for sure that this loss will eventually make you a stronger person
 
Well he is heavily sedated so we did not get to speak, was there with my Sarah and we just chatted to him, as we were about to leave I held his hand and stroked his brow, He gripped my hand and tried to open his eyes, so we stayed a while longer till he was more restful, he could hear us and I'm grateful for that, did I say my goodbyes.... no maybe tomorrow...

Thank you Sarah :)

John sorry you have had such a rough ride

H
 
Doug past away at 2pm
RIP my Friend :(

H
 
Very Sad can say I know but I've a fair idea how your feeling right now from my own experience just try and remember the good times and hopefully you'll be able to have someone near to give you any support you need :)
 
RIP - Doug, a brave man.
 
Thanks everyone, I'm sort of ok atm. he went peacefully and without pain at the end so that is something
Thank you all again

H
 
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