Am I being out of order? Need advice please…..

Have you considered it might be menopausal, that can work in some very mysterious ways.
 
Just take it on the chin mate, you will never be right even when you are. However, you could reasonably expect that you won't have to do any housework now as your proportion of the chores can easily be accomplished while she is enjoying her time between jobs.

As for the money side of it, its all shared so I wouldn't get overly worried about things like that.
 
It rather depends on if you see this as a quasi-marriage or a partnership of friends with benefits.
I do think you should have a conversation about what future each of you wants in the future, and in your own case whether this is a relationship that matters more than the financial equity.
 
We always had a joint account. we shared every thing equally even the house was in both names.
some times she worked some times she did not.
As there was no your or mine involved. that made no difference.
I never pressured her to work. we could live on what I earned. but were more comfortable when she did work.
If I were in your position I would neither do, nor say anything overt.

But there is probably something that is not quite right, as this seems to be an unexpected change.
If she has some sort of a problem health or mental wise, she may need help or time to recover.
It would not be a good time to aggravate the situation further and add to whatever it is that is bothering her.

Most definitely you should not mention your relative monetary contributions. That is a death knell to any relationship.

I never even opened the Phone Bill I gave it to her to check. she loved to make calls.
 
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I can only tell you how we've done things for 50 years: we say what we feel and sometimes there's tears and some times there's laughter and somehow we sort it out.

You've got to get that conversation going because, if you haven't got communication, what do you have?
 
If you earn at least twice as much as her and your only outgoings are for household bills, it sounds like you're financially secure so, if it isn't going to cause you any financial hardship, what's the problem with her having few months off?

I dont wish to sound harsh but why on earth would you want to keep score with regards to financial contributions? It's a marriage, not a business partnership.
 
It's a difficult one but what can you say that wont end up possibly causing a problem? As above I think I'd carefully ask if there is something on her mind.

If you can afford to stop working I'd say go for it. I left full time paid employment at 49 (I'm 60 now) and it was the best thing for me as although I liked the job I hated the politics and game playing that went on and the hassle and heartache some staff caused. I realised what the MD told me on day 1 was true, "these people aren't you're friends" and sadly he was right. Now I don't need to spend time with people I don't like or who have agendas. Some adapt to not working quickly, I did, but Mrs WW took longer to adapt. She left her job about 4 years ago and it's only recently that she's started saying that she wouldn't like to work again.

If you can afford to leave full time employment maybe you could enjoy some time together, travel, take up hobbies or volunteer for something? If it all goes wrong getting back into work could be an issue, so it could be a gamble.
 
If she s going to be off for that long then I would ease up on the chores you do - she has the time.

In some ways its a similar thing - I earn more but pay most of bills but we do have kids.

At least you are in the position that your main outgoing in the mortgage has gone and it won't impact too much financially. Getting another job should be easy, lots around here (not sure where you are).

I would bring up concerns about her not paying in for 3 months and understand if that is just for 3 months or if this may go on longer and she is effectively retiring.
 
JonathanRyan said:
If you love her, do everything you can to support her. If you don't then why are you together?

It really is that simple.
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Marc said:
If you earn at least twice as much as her and your only outgoings are for household bills, it sounds like you're financially secure so, if it isn't going to cause you any financial hardship, what's the problem with her having few months off?

I dont wish to sound harsh but why on earth would you want to keep score with regards to financial contributions? It's a marriage, not a business partnership.
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I agree 100% with both of these views. My take on money is that it only matters - both in a relationship and in every other aspect of life - when there isn't enough of it and as long as you will still have enough then a reduction to your joint income simply isn't important.

Personally, I would be far more concerned with her need to stop working. You may want to have a SUPPORTIVE conversation with her about the reason(s) behind it.
 
1. Let her do it - no questions asked.
2. Tell her she can talk about anything to you - when she wants to.
3. You never know; there may come a time when you need/want to do it.

I agree with the above - 'It's a marriage, not a business partnership.'
 
bl0at3r said:
I also have this niggle in the back of my head about the amount of extra money I have contributed each month all these years - doubtful we would have paid off our mortgage early or had decent savings if I had earned the same as, or less than her. Do I even attempt to mention this?
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You are nearly there... But this is going to fester ... You need to be 100% together on money.. Being 100% on money and not caring a hoot who brought more in is whats helped us through well over 30 yrs of non arguing married bliss :) We juts dont have anyhting to argue about..

The things your asking should you metnion because of X,Y,Z ? deary me are you suggesting your wife hasnt considered all this.. that shes oblivious to what her actions mean? Do you think she doesn't understand no income from her means less money? She knows!

My approach would be... dont worry we will manage :)

PS or moan everytime she buys anything hahaha
 
AndrewFlannigan said:
I can only tell you how we've done things for 50 years: we say what we feel and sometimes there's tears and some times there's laughter and somehow we sort it out.

You've got to get that conversation going because, if you haven't got communication, what do you have?
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Great post. Talking, being open and sharing is the best route to go down.
 
Marc said:
If you earn at least twice as much as her and your only outgoings are for household bills, it sounds like you're financially secure so, if it isn't going to cause you any financial hardship, what's the problem with her having few months off?

I dont wish to sound harsh but why on earth would you want to keep score with regards to financial contributions? It's a marriage, not a business partnership.
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This, 100%.
 
Marc said:
If you earn at least twice as much as her and your only outgoings are for household bills, it sounds like you're financially secure so, if it isn't going to cause you any financial hardship, what's the problem with her having few months off?

I dont wish to sound harsh but why on earth would you want to keep score with regards to financial contributions? It's a marriage, not a business partnership.
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Absolutely... I never even knew what my wife earned for any of her jobs. It just got banked.
 
Virtually All my money from work ,or pensions has always been given to the wife to run the house ,pay the bills etc at the moment my private ( small ) pension is enough for my needs , if I really want anything I just ask if we can afford it . And usually get it .

A marriage is based on love and trust , my wife has been my rock since my heart failure ..

To me it sounds like your wife just needs some time out to plan her future in other words give her space to do it . She will talk when it suits her but women are very complex creatures so don’t expect that to happen soon

Do not be tempted though to get moody over it as it will drive a wedge between you .
 
A similar thing happened in our house.
My wife's health and happiness is worth way more than any financial amount. She knows how hard I work and how much money I earn, and I know that she does feel guilty.
I reassure her that we will be fine financially, and we have been. She has never been high maintenance and has never spent a lot on clothes, makeup etc.
She is happy now, and so am I.
We've been together since we were 15, and have been married for over 37 years and have raised 2 great kids.
She supports me in so many ways, and always has done.
Let your wife do what she needs to do, and tell her you will support her, and that you love her, and stop thinking about what is fair and unfair and who has contributed the most etc, and whatever you do, don't tell her what you've told us, as I guarantee if you do, you will wish that you hadn't....
 
I would completely forget the previous contribution amounts conversation if you want to stay married.

Let her run the house if she isn't working, slowly drop back on your chores - that's not to say just sit on the sofa every night with a can of beer and do nothing - but just let her do the majority if she's not working. I see that as pretty fair in all honesty.

I would certainly bring up the current financial contributions if she starts to buy expensive handbags or yet another pair of shoes for example - yes, I am being stereotypical there ;)

The safest way to nudge her into work in my opinion is the old thing of getting a job after a period of doing nothing - even if she volunteers somewhere for a day a week - things like that always look better on a CV than 'I sat on my a$$ for 4 months'

I met my other half about 7-8 years ago now. I moved in with her a year or so later into her rented place she been in alone raising her kids for over 20 years. The first thing I done was sorted all the DIY bodges.... :ROFLMAO: She still does with her money what she always have - rent, bills, etc which leaves her some left over for herself. I pay for all the shopping, usually DIY repairs, I paid for everything when we redecorated the bathroom last year for example, I run two cars (she doesn't drive) & often try to treat her but she is still fairly stubborn & independent in that regard. I have much more spare cash but I pay for our holidays, etc & often pay vet bills & things like that - Thinking about it, I think the freezer, fridge freezer, washing machine & the oven are also 'mine' :ROFLMAO: It's just seems to work for us that way, might not suit everyone though. And she has just dropped her hours to about 28 a week I think due to her health really.

Anyway, tread very carefully in whatever you decide to do. They can be very unpredictable creatures ;)
 
My partner hasn't worked in a while due to illness, we have a daughter with a disability and she gets a carer's allowance to help look after her ... thing is, I'm caring for both plus my other teen daughter and I'm the only one working atm .. we rarely ever argue over money/bills, we manage between us regardless of who pays more or less - I would hate to be in a strict 50/50 relationship
 
Cagey75 said:
My partner hasn't worked in a while due to illness, we have a daughter with a disability and she gets a carer's allowance to help look after her ... thing is, I'm caring for both plus my other teen daughter and I'm the only one working atm .. we rarely ever argue over money/bills, we manage between us regardless of who pays more or less - I would hate to be in a strict 50/50 relationship
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Ohhh... That 50/50 bit just reminded me.....

When I was younger & dating my ex-wife we were friends with another couple who I met at college. This we early 2000's I guess as we had the house, but before marriage & the kids - around 25 years old. They came around one night, me & the other guy went up the local chinese & bought the food - it was say £24.56 .... We got back, my girlfriend asked how much it was, I said about £25 quid, don't worry about it. He turned around to his girlfriend & said you owe me £6 and 14 pence towards the food.....

o_Oo_O:ROFLMAO:
 
LeeRatters said:
Ohhh... That 50/50 bit just reminded me.....

When I was younger & dating my ex-wife we were friends with another couple who I met at college. This we early 2000's I guess as we had the house, but before marriage & the kids - around 25 years old. They came around one night, me & the other guy went up the local chinese & bought the food - it was say £24.56 .... We got back, my girlfriend asked how much it was, I said about £25 quid, don't worry about it. He turned around to his girlfriend & said you owe me £6 and 14 pence towards the food.....

o_Oo_O:ROFLMAO:
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I know people like that, always bickering about money, even down to as little as a few coppers for ice cream, refusing to buy one because 'it's 30p cheaper back 'ome' - miserable gits usually in general too
 
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