thought I wasn't goin to make it!!

antonroland

antonroland

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Anton
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Hey folks

Anybody got a good joke to send my way...HACKER??

Rushed myself to the hospital this morning and now looks like I'll be spending the night...:bang:

The ticker went bonkers in a rather SCARY irregular way but it looks like there is nothing to worry about yet:lol:

They just gave me some sleeping pills which are about as effective as any Mars bar, so would be great to tap your jokes or anything amusing/interesting.

Hypnotic! Found any gems on the net lately:thumbs:

Cheers
 
Glad your okay, quietish morning here so I'll shamelessly copy a few of the cleaner ones from one of the bike forums ;)

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's (2005) winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15 Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating
 
David Murray (Rangers Chairman) was driving through Govan on his way to work at Castle Greyskull.

He spots a wee woman struggling with her shopping and knowing what it's like to suffer he stops and shouts,

"Can ye manage hen??"

She replies,

"Stick yer joab up yer arse"
 
Irish "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."

Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" and was nearly at the end of the quiz with winnings of $500,000."You've done very well so far," said the show's
presenter, "But to get the $1 million, you've only got one lifeline left - Phone a friend. "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" "OK. The question is, Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?"

(a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) Cuckoo or (d) Thrush."

"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."

Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Foockin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple... it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick. " I'm foockin sure Mick"

Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, " I'll go with da Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer? Lock it in?" asked the host. " Dat it is, Sir. Lock it in"

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1 million!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesnt build its own nest? I mean, you know ****-all about birds."

"Ah bejaysus!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a
foockin' Cuckoo lives in a clock!"
 
A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly sitting in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?" "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't." "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
"Don't doubt it for a minute." "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying,
physical agony for all eternity??" "Yep", was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan. "Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied......"Been married to your sister for 68 years."
 
You look after yourself mate and take it easy:

The joke that Photostar was referring to::

Shopping at Tesco

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!" "Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.

The computer printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet

3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better........

Thank you for shopping at Tesco
 
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this
time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a £5 million savings
certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the
sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside,
plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the
Riviera and ... ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said
a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
 
Darksaber said:
You look after yourself mate and take it easy:

The joke that Photostar was referring to::

Shopping at Tesco

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!" "Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.

The computer printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet

3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better........

Thank you for shopping at Tesco
Click to expand...

AFPMSL :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :thumbs:
 
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request."

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said BRING POSSE!!"
 
A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.

The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning.

The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, 'I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die,let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?'

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt.

She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, 'I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?'

Eagerly, she shakes her head, Yes!

As the man hands her his shirt, he says, 'Here. Iron this.'
 
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his
throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of
golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls
into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for them. While I was rooting around I noticed one of
the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it -- stuck right in the middle of the
cow's rear end.
That's when I made my BIG mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks
like yours!""
"I don't remember much after that....."
 
An American was hopelessly lost in the Highlands and wandered about for nearly a week. Finally, on the seventh day he met a kilted inhabitant. "Thank heaven I've met someone," he cried. "I've been lost for the last week." "Is there a reward out for you?" asked the Scotsman. "No," said the American. "Then I'm afraid you're still lost," was the reply.
 
A student at an English university, by name of Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, who was living in the hall of residence in his first year there. After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible noisy people! The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night!" "Oh, Donald! How ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?" "Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes!"
 
When Wee Hughie moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvellous, how come you didn't stay there?" "Well," explained Wee Hughie "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here tohave any chance of making it at all".


One day Wee Hughie bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell. Getting up he felt something wet on his pants. He looked up at the sky and said "Oh, Lord, please I beg you let it be blood!"


An Englishman was being tried on a charge of being drunk and disorderly. The judge asked him where he had purchased the Whisky. "But I didn't buy it, your Honour," said the Englishman. "A Scotsman gave it to me." "28 days for perjury." replied the judge.


A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands and gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
 
A man walking along a Tennessee dirt road was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
 
Get well soon Anton.

Heres a couple for you.

A struggling actor walks into a zoo looking for work.
"The gorilla,one of our star attractions,has just died,"says the manager."I'll pay you £300 a day to dress in this monkey suit and pretend to be him."
The actor agrees and spends the next few minutes in the cage amusing unsuspecting visitors.But they soon grow bored and move on to the lion enclosure next door.
Desperate to keep his new job,the actor climbs up the wall and dangles just out of the lions reach.This infuriates the lion,but delights the visitors.The actor performs the stunt everyday,drawing in hugh crowds.Thrilled,the zoo manager increases his wage to £500.
Then one day,the actor loses his grip and lands at the lions feet.It chases him round the cage until he starts screaming,"Help me!Help me!"
The lion pounces,"Shut up,you idiot,"it says."Do you want us both to be fired?"

--------------------------

Did you hear about the man who went into a book shop and asked where the self help section was?
The sales assistant wouldn't help him.She said it would be defeating the purpose.
 
Great big thanks to all who responded... ESPECIALLY DOD!!:thumbs: :thumbs:

All the tests are back and seem fine and I hope to go home in the morning.

The doc says he can't see anything wrong but reckons I should take things a bit easier and avoid unnecessary stresses.

Thanks again to all who responded and will most likely chat till late tonight...

Can't sleep in a hospital:bonk:
 
Gosh Anton, glad to hear you're ok now. Take it easy!
 
Minimeeze thanks for your kind words:wave:

Hypnotic cheers and thanks for that one:thumbs:

Great to have such caring friends even though they are not exactly up the road!!
 
:lol:

Not sure that lot would do a dodgy ticker much good Anton ... :shrug:

Bloody funny though ... :D

A couple more if you really need them Anton ...

Baby Photographer ...

And ... Golf Locker Room ...


Look after yourself m8 ... and your heart ... it is very necessary ... ;)

And Dod ... you bored or summat ... never seen so many jokes from one person in a single thread ... :lol: ... some corkers too ... :thumbs:





:p
 
Thanks again Dod, V and others who posted.

Really meant a lot to me!

:thumbs: :thumbs: :thumbs:
 
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