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- Name
- The real Chris
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My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good
mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big ******' red
mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!
****************************************
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed,
when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache". "Perfect," her
husband said. " I was just in the bathroom powdering my **** with
aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!
**************************************
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a
faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive. She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully.A ceremony
is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall
bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the
husband cries out, "Watch the ******* wall!""
*************************************
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up
on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for
Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie
comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man,
she fakes it with Ken."
************************************
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She
pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere
she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a
brunette, are you?" The girl says "No, I'm really a blonde". "I thought
so," the doctor says. "You have a broken finger."
****************************************************
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when
he's pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and
asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving
badly?" "No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was
the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
****************************************************8
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to
show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather
perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's
that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my
Speaking Clock", the man replied. "How does it work?", asked the guest.
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow
with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the
wall screamed, "For ******s sake, it's twenty to two in the *******
morning!"
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good
mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big ******' red
mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!
****************************************
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed,
when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache". "Perfect," her
husband said. " I was just in the bathroom powdering my **** with
aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!
**************************************
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a
faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive. She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully.A ceremony
is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall
bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the
husband cries out, "Watch the ******* wall!""
*************************************
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up
on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for
Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie
comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man,
she fakes it with Ken."
************************************
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She
pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere
she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a
brunette, are you?" The girl says "No, I'm really a blonde". "I thought
so," the doctor says. "You have a broken finger."
****************************************************
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when
he's pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and
asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving
badly?" "No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was
the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
****************************************************8
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to
show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather
perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's
that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my
Speaking Clock", the man replied. "How does it work?", asked the guest.
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow
with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the
wall screamed, "For ******s sake, it's twenty to two in the *******
morning!"
