I feel like defending my title.

Two snowmen in a field. One says to the other, "can you smell carrots?"


A guy falls down a well and his mate runs to his rescue. Gets to the top of the well and shouts down 'Are you alright? Is it dark down there?'. And he shouts up 'I don't know, i cant see'.


Two nuns in a car travelling back late at night during a bad thunder storm.
As they take a short cut, just past a graveyard they see a figure in the near-darkness, they stop and look...only to see that it is a 'dah dah dah' vampire; who snarls at them menacingly...
The driving nun turns to the other and says "Sister Margaret, jump out and show it your cross!"
The other nun nods and leaps out of the car waving her fists at the undead shouting "B*GG*R OFF, VAMPIRE!!!"


Q. What do you call a chav in a suit?
A. The accused.


Q: what's good for a hangover?
A: Drinking heavily the night before...



And for the Wacom users...:

I brought my grandma a graphics tablet last week as she couldn't get the hang of her mouse....
I called her today and asked her how she got on with it, she said "It took a few glasses of water but I finally got it down.... ".


And finally, another elephant one...:

An explorer walked into a clearing and was surpised to see a pigmy
standing beside a huge dead elephant.

"Did you kill that ?" he asked.

The pigmy answered "Yes".

"How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that"?

"I killed it with my club" replied the pigmy.

"That's amazing" said the explorer "How big's your club"

The pigmy replied : "There's about 150 of us"



Flashy
 
:lol:
I promise that this really will be the last ones from me, i shall quit whilst ahead!!


Q: What do you get if Batman and Robin get smashed by a steam roller?
A: Flatman and ribbon.
Q: When is a car not a car?
A: When it turns into a garage.

Q: How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
A: a Buccaneer!

Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
A: He wanted to win the No-bell prize.

Q: Why did the atoms cross the road?
A: It was time to split!

Q: What do you do when your chair breaks?
A: Call a Chairman.

Q: Why do eskimos wash their clothes in tide?
A: Because it's too cold out tide!

Q: What kind of car does Luke Skywalker drive?
A: a Toy-yoda.

Q: What is the biggest pencil in the world?
A: Pennsylvania.

Q: Why did the boy blush when he opened the fridge?
A: He saw the salad dressing!

Q: What do monsters make with cars?
A: Traffic Jam
Q: What do you call the elephant witch doctor?
A: Mumbo Jumbo

Q: Why did the pony cough?
A: He was a little hoarse!

Q: What do sheep do on sunny days?
A: Have a baa - baa - cue!

Q: How do you know when a dog has been naughty?
A: It leaves a little poodle on the carpet!

Q: Where do Aliens keep their sandwiches?
A: In a Launch box

Q: What do you call the pub on Mars?
A: A Mars Bar!

Q: Why did the spaceship land outside your bedroom?
A: I must have left the landing light on

Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in the kitchen?
A: Spatula!

Q: Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: He had no body to go with!

Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q: How do you prevent a Summer cold?
A: Catch it in the Winter!

Q: What is the best day of the week to sleep?
A: Snooze-day!

Q: What does one star say to another star when they meet?
A: Glad to meteor!

Q: Why did the silly kid stand on his head?
A: His feet were tired!

Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned

Q: What do you call a woman with a sinking ship on her head?
A: Mandy Lifeboats!

Q: What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head playing snooker?
A: Beatrix Potter!

Q: What do you call a lion with toothache?
A: Rory!

Q: What do you call a man with a big truck on his head?
A: Laurie!

Q: What do you call a man with turf on his head?
A: Pete!

Q: What do you call the ghost who haunts TV shows?
A: Phantom of the Oprah!

Q: What kind of illness does Bruce Lee get?
A: Kung Flu!

Q: What do you call a man who doesn't sink?
A: Bob!

Q: What do you call a Rodent that has a sword?
A: A Mouseketeer!

Q: What do you call the bad lion tamer?
A: Claude Bottom


Q: What do you call a fairy who doesn't take a bath?
A: Stinkerbell
Q: What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert?
A: No thanks, I'm stuffed!

Q: Why is six scared of seven?
A: Because 7-8-9!

Q: What do you call a ship that lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
A: A nervous WRECK!

Q: Why did the golfer wear two sets of pants?
A: In case he got a whole in one!

Q: What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Atlantic Ocean?
A: Nothing. It just waved.

Q: What did the little light bulb say to it's Mum?
A: I wuv you watts and watts.

Q: What tools do you need in math class?
A: Multi-Pliers

Q: What did the alien say to the garden?
A: Take me to your weeder

Q: Where did the king keep his armies?
A: Up his sleevies

Q: How does the moon cut his hair?
A: e-clipse it!
Q: What did the frog order at McDonald's?
A: French flies and a diet Croak

Q: Why did the frog say meow?
A: He was learning a foreign language.

Q: What do little ghosts drink?
A: Evaporated milk.

Q: When do ghosts usually appear?
A: Just before someone screams.

Q: What should you say when you meet a ghost?
A: "How do you boo?"

Q: What did the policeman say when a spider ran down his back?
A: "You're under a vest!"

Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day?
A: So they can fight knights.

Q: How does a witch tell time?
A: She looks at her witch watch.

Q: What would you find on a haunted beach?
A: A sand witch.



Thankyou and goodnight

4_19_2.gif
 
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Good one LL. Looks like Matt has conceded defeat :D
 
Well Robin I don't know what to say except :bang: :bang: :bang:
No TFI for you today my lad :lol:
 
Lol.....My go

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
 
Heh! :lol:


Here's one from the great Emo Philips:

 I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. so I ran over and said "stop! don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"

He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?"

He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?"

He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?"

He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?"

He said, "Baptist church of god!"

I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?"

He said, "Reformed baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

 
From the late,great Chic Murray....

Visiting London, Chic was asked by a stranger, "Do you know the Battersea dog's home?". He replied, "I didn't even know it was away."

When staying at a Rothesay hotel, there were the usual toast and marmalade (in little round pots) on the breakfast table in the morning. When the landlady came into the room, Chic lifted a tiny pot of honey and said "I see you keep a bee!"

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

I made a stupid mistake last week. Come to think of it, did you ever hear of someone making a clever mistake?

So I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half wave, because I only half know him.

What use is happiness? It can't buy you money.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

If it weren't for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

Kippers- fish that like a lot of sleep.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.

We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.

You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you nowhere.

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

my girlfriend's a redhead, no hair, just a red head.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

My parents were wonderful, always there with a ready compromise. My sister wanted a cat for a pet I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you".

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

I was walking along the road. I knew I was walking because one foot was following the other. A car drew up beside me and stopped. The driver opened the door and asked me if he could give me a lift. I replied that I didn't need a lift as I lived in a bungalow.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea as I was a stranger there myself.

My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mud pack. For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off. She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

My next door neighbour said "Is it O.K. if I use your lawnmower?" I replied, "Certainly, just don't take it out of my garden!"
 
i may of pee'd a little reading that lot but it might be the achol :D :lol:
 
<GROAN> :D


Two fish in a tank and one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"

Why does Edward Woodwood have 4 D's in his name?
Otherewise he'd be Ewar Woowar.

When do goldfish go to the toilet?
When they die...

What's hard and stiff when it goes in and soft and sticky when it comes out?
Chewing gum.

What happens to a snow ball if you drop in in a bucket of water?
It gets wet.

What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association
 
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