I could cry, in fact I have.

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woof woof

woof woof

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My mother died recently and the funeral is on Monday.

What's upset me is... My Family, but a little history first.

I cared for my mam for years and it was just about a 24/7 job. I have two older sisters, one living next door (and a nurse) and the other living 10 minutes drive away. After years of caring I was suffering and my wife was too and we really needed help and some time off so I asked my sisters if they would come once a week to sit with mam so that we could go out, not worry and have a rest from caring. So, my plan was that one sister would come one week and the other would come the next. Both blew up and were just psychotic with insults and bile and the nurses daughter sent my wife a nasty txt but obviously refused to pick up the phone when I called and didn't answer emails or txt's. The other sister had two children and they just blanked us so I lost my whole immediate family because I asked for help a few hours once a fortnight from each of my sisters. All this started in January 2021. Once each sister blew up they had no further contact with my mam, not a card or a phone call on mothers day, birthday or Christmas. Just completely cut dead.

Since then one sister died and as executor I had to contact the other and the dead sisters daughter who sent the nasty txt to my wife and they all want to come to the funeral and visit mam in the funeral home. WTF? After no contact at all and they suddenly want to pay their respects? Really?

I had discussed them attending the funeral with my mam when she was alive and she said she didn't want them there. Stupidly though I've gone against her wishes and said they can come as I didn't think I could in conscience say they couldn't but I honestly don't know if I've done the right thing.

It's been a very upsetting time and now I'm worried about the funeral and this bunch of hypocrites attending. Thankfully the funeral director has been good and said that if they start anything at the funeral they'll step in.

Families.
 
My condolences Alan.
I had a similar experience a few years ago.
I think you have done the right thing. Your conscience is clear and that is the best thing.
If they play up, they will just look foolish.
I hope they are not in the will!
 
Alan, my condolences to you & your wife at this most difficult time.

I too think you have done the right thing, you are the bigger man than your extended family.

Thankfully I have never found myself in such a situation.

As you say the funeral director is clued in, so let him and his colleagues 'do their jobs' and you & your wife must give yourselves time to say goodbye to your mam and make sure to take the time to grieve.

In regard to your extended family, come what may....just be civil and hopefully they will not cause you any upset.

I wish you both well for Monday and the coming days ahead.
 
Thank you guys.

Whatever the outcome I think this will be the last time the family is gathered together. I've done my bit by informing them and that's as far as I'm going.
 
I'm really sorry it's gone this way for you.

You are doing the right thing by letting them come - there might even be a chance for some reconciliation IF you feel able to and they are sincere, but perhaps not. At least they want to recognise your mum now, rather than just keeping the door closed forever.
 
That sounds really distressing. Sorry to hear of your loss and the family pain.

As others have said, I think it is the right idea to let them come. After that - up to them, I guess.
 
ancient_mariner said:
I'm really sorry it's gone this way for you.

You are doing the right thing by letting them come - there might even be a chance for some reconciliation IF you feel able to and they are sincere, but perhaps not. At least they want to recognise your mum now, rather than just keeping the door closed forever.
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What can I say to a woman who when I asked if anyone in this family will help shouted down the phone "No." What can I say to a woman who said she would come if I gave her "several months notice." The woman who also said "I've been out of that house xx years now and I have my own life." And then there's the woman who sent an abusive txt to my wife, an innocent in all this. Pure nastiness or even perhaps a touch of racism?

All this over a request that my two sisters each spend a few hours with our mother once a fortnight to give me and my wife a break.

As far as I'm concerned I'll take my judgement on how I've acted when my time comes and they can take theirs and until that day I want nothing to do with any of them. That may not be very Christian but the abuse and upset I took and the way they deserted my mother is very hard to forgive or forget.
 
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Sorry to hear about the loss and the hassle, I've 3 brothers and envisage similar crap when my parents die. The cynic in me believes your family that suddenly want to visit now are after a slice of what may be left in the will etc. :-/
 
Thanks guys.

I realise that this or some other trouble happens in other families too.

My sister and niece will inherit a considerable amount of money. My mother wanted to change her will to cut them out but sadly although she was often in good form and in her right mind she also used to have several bouts a day when she lapsed into confusion and another reality so wasn't allowed to change her will, she did try but was deemed not to be competent.
 
woof woof said:
Thanks guys.

I realise that this or some other trouble happens in other families too.

My sister and niece will inherit a considerable amount of money. My mother wanted to change her will to cut them out but sadly although she was often in good form and in her right mind she also used to have several bouts a day when she lapsed into confusion and another reality so wasn't allowed to change her will, she did try but was deemed not to be competent.
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Deepest condolences Alan, and to your wife too.

You can choose your friends but unfortunately not your family. You have done the right thing in letting them come to the funeral, however you do not have to speak to them or have contact with them. The funeral directors can ensure that this is followed if you let them know your wishes and will seat them away from you and your wife. Shame on them for wanting to come to the funeral and perhaps they may do the decent thing and not come.

I hope you get through Monday without any further distress, the loss of your mother is enough without anyone adding to it.
 
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Sorry to see you in this situation , I hope you both get through it soon and unscathed .
I had a nasty experience in 2003 when mum died , Dad was distraught and asked me to stay with him as he could not be alone , At the time myself and the wife were going through issues , I then get a text saying " now you are gone you may as well stay gone, I have changed the locks , Your personal belonging are in bin bags in the garage if you want them " Absolutely no concern for my dad , not even how is he , Did not attend dads funeral , As a result of this I stayed and looked after my dad for 8 years up until his death, Then in come my 2 sisters expecting a nice pay out when dads house was sold , Neither did much for dad when he was alive , Elder sister walked past dads road twice a day going to and from work and never popped in to see him , Younger sister did make dad a cake from time to time , The sh=t hit the fan when the will was read out , This led to them contesting the will , All very nasty , Since the dust settled I am now the black sheep of the family , NO contact from either of them for 15 years , So you are not alone with family issues. I do hope things pan out for you and the wife soon.
 
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Thanks guys and I'm sorry to hear that some are going through their own family issues.

My local family just seem alien to me now. Others in Surrey have been very good but I just can't understand my local family at all. I don't understand them. Since all this trouble started they didn't call my mother once or send a card or present and of course wouldn't lift a finger to help with her care but now she's gone they want to visit her in the funeral directors and attend the funeral? They're aliens to me now.

I will ask the funeral director about seating both at the church and the crematorium as I don't want to hear any comments.
 
Sorry to hear of your loss, Alan. Hope you can get through the funeral without too much hassle and aggravation.
 
Thank you all.

The family trouble rumbles on.

I wont inflict details on you all other than to say that today has been a very upsetting day which has brought all the symptoms of stress and anxiety that I had been getting over back with vengeance. Funny how people who couldn't spare the time to call mam or send her a card on her birthday or Christmas suddenly want so much.

One little trick I've used before is to imagine a point in time at which whatever is the problem will be over, a week, month, whatever. So, the funeral is on Monday and after that the legal process should be over in 4 to 6 months so every day I live through now is another day closer to that day in Jan/March when all things that need to be done are done. I can then move on, of course never forgetting a much loved mam.
 
My condolences, a story that is unfortunately all too familiar, nobody wants to help the living but when the will is being discussed and money involved, those ones are suddenly always available.
 
Thank you Clint.

I realise that my family is not unique. We were all brought up the same but in later life seem to have gone down very different paths.

I was very shaken by my fathers death. I was a workaholic at the time and I regret not spending more time with him and more time helping him when he needed help. I therefore decided to try and help my mother as much as I could. There were hard times and there was upset but there was time to say sorry and express love and I'm grateful for that. Even at my most self absorbed workaholic self I was never like my sisters and their children and it's hard to understand why they've acted as they have.
 
Yup, I too have had issues similar . . . Condolences and such to all whom have lost a loved one and a WTF for issues that just seem almost incomprehensible and without merit. My Mum had vascular dementia but did change her will through a solicitor. A.N.Other in the family went a bit bonkers and challenged but lost. Solicitor was appointed executor. A.N.Other attended the funeral, we were okay with each other until parting when A.N.Other went off the rails a bit with accusations and demands ! Nothing came of anything. Not spoken since. I have my own life to live out so hey ho. @woof woof I hope this doesn't cause upset but if there is any evidence your Mum understood the effect of the change to the will at the time of the change, the changes should stand (I am not an expert in this). I of course wish you well and my belated best to to your dear Mum.
 
My sincerest condolences to you on the loss of your mother. I do hope that the funeral passes off without a hitch and that you can find time to grieve and then get on with life.
 
Fixer said:
Yup, I too have had issues similar . . . Condolences and such to all whom have lost a loved one and a WTF for issues that just seem almost incomprehensible and without merit. My Mum had vascular dementia but did change her will through a solicitor. A.N.Other in the family went a bit bonkers and challenged but lost. Solicitor was appointed executor. A.N.Other attended the funeral, we were okay with each other until parting when A.N.Other went off the rails a bit with accusations and demands ! Nothing came of anything. Not spoken since. I have my own life to live out so hey ho. @woof woof I hope this doesn't cause upset but if there is any evidence your Mum understood the effect of the change to the will at the time of the change, the changes should stand (I am not an expert in this). I of course wish you well and my belated best to to your dear Mum.
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My mam tried to change her will a few years back when all this trouble started but they didn't think she was competent. The issues were that she couldn't say how much her house was worth or accurately say how much she had in her bank accounts or where they were and also couldn't name some family members. In her defence I did her banking online and we reviewed everything together once a month. She was compos mentis enough to add up the totals and keep a running total of her wealth each month but when asked during the month might not remember the total accurately. She did know the value of money and how much was in her purse and what it could buy. I can't really blame her for forgetting the names of internet banks as they changed from time to time as accounts matured and we moved them to somewhere else or if I found a better interest rate somewhere else. She did however always know where her current account was as that never changed. As to forgetting the names of great grand children she never saw, I can understand that. She did have a family tree I made for her and looking at it would remind her who everyone was but of course she couldn't look at it whilst being quizzed by the solicitor.

She did have bouts of confusion and argumentativeness throughout the day, usually when she'd just woken up in the morning or after a nap and just before bed time but these would pass after 10 minutes, half an hour or an hour and she'd be clear headed again. She'd also had two bouts of delirium but these had a medical cause and after treatment she was back to her normal. When she wasn't tired or just woken up she was herself for periods of time each day and able to hold normal conversations, add up the banking count and spend money when out shopping and do the crossword and word searches in her daily paper. She was also compos mentis enough to express her anger that she couldn't do what she wanted to do with her own money will wise. I did think that when she was and appeared herself she was competent to make decisions and remember what she's decided but the solicitor thought otherwise.

As she couldn't change her will one from 12 years ago or so stands. In the meantime she knew she was getting weaker and she decided to try and enjoy the rest of her life. We checked with a different solicitor (as the first one wouldn't advise us) to understand what she could still spend and I can't see any issues at the moment with either the existing will or her spending after being declared not fit to change her will. She / we got the bathroom done as we wanted to change the bath to a shower as she couldn't get in the bath any more, she felt the cold so we got several windows and / or their surrounds repaired or replaced, her 3 piece suite was in the region of 30 years old (I kid you not) and misshapen so she got a new one, she had some tiles replaced and she had some internal doors replaced and painted again in an effort to cut down on drafts. All this was deemed ok by a solicitor.

At the moment I can't see any challenge to the existing will or her spending in her last years but I suppose someone could make a spurious or malicious complaint and hold things up for the sake of it or out of desperation. Time will tell.
 
I just want to say again thanks all.

Yesterday was awful and I got very little sleep last night. My old symptoms of stress and anxiety returned and it was not good but apart from being a bit tired I'm much better today.

I do hope that this thread has helped others in similar situations too. I think things like this are maybe sadly all too common.
 
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Those with an elderly relative should perhaps look into the possibility of having a "living will" (?) set up. I think the name may have changed but it is an agreement whereby the financial and other affairs of the elderly person concerned should be delegated to a named individual once that person becomes incapable. My mother was extremely sensible and unsentimental about this sort of thing long before she needed to be and I was very grateful for that.
 
IIRC, it's a Power of Attorney that transfers that sort of control - a living will is more for things like DNR (do not resuscitate) etc.. However, IANAL!
 
I had mentioned POA after a bout of delirium mam suffered but she ummed and ahed and then it was probably too late.

We could have done with it when mam had a bout of delirium as to be honest the hospital behaved disgracefully and told big porkies and time after time I was told by multiple people "You don't have POA." It was agreed that she'd be discharged home on a Monday morning and I was told to call at a specific time but when I did they'd already discharged her to a residential home. It took the intervention of social services to get her home. After that when me and one of my sisters tried to complain we were stonewalled and treated to a barrage of lies and denials. The whole episode shattered my trust in the NHS and I would now urge everyone to get POA for loved ones if at all possible.

What we went through reminded me of the movie "I care a lot." Gosh knows why the NHS staff acted as they did but now I would not trust them as far as I could throw a hospital.
 
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Without a POA (Health) the authorities legally MUST act as they see fit for the best interests of the person who is now legally in their 'care'. No one else has a say. It's horrible but they ignore everyone and take complete control.
 
Fixer said:
Without a POA (Health) the authorities legally MUST act as they see fit for the best interests of the person who is now legally in their 'care'. No one else has a say. It's horrible but they ignore everyone and take complete control.
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Well, yes, they should always act in the interest of the patient but they should also inform relatives and abide by the decisions made in departmental meetings. On occasions lack of communication and incompetence may lead to lies and stonewalling and cover up and in our case not only relating to me and other family members but also to social services. Our experience was a shambles and IMO in instances of incompetence which leads to dishonesty there should be more chance of immediate sacking and criminal prosecution.

A POA may well sharpen and focus a few minds and will certainly give people more control of events which could be extremely damaging to their loved ones, and our case was damaging. It was a disgrace and something others can learn from.
 
I can offer nothing but my condolences to you and the thought that after the funeral and the estate is wound up you will never need to have contact with your extended family if you wish. Just been there done that BTW.
 
I lost my mother in March and we had something similar issue wide. Personally I let it go and let the family be there. This isn't the time, and I find even though people loose touch they can still want to be there to pay respects.
At the end of the days it's your choice.
 
swanseamale47 said:
I lost my mother in March and we had something similar issue wide. Personally I let it go and let the family be there. This isn't the time, and I find even though people loose touch they can still want to be there to pay respects.
At the end of the days it's your choice.
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As above my sister and possibly her family are coming. The niece who sent the nasty message to my wife has been to see my mother at the funeral directors but she hasn't decided if she's coming to the funeral.

I will point out my sister to the funeral director and she will be given the option of taking some flowers home with her.

As for any relationship after this, I'm afraid that they were all so awful that I was stunned and deeply upset both for myself and for how they cut contact with my mother. Now, so much time has passed that I just don't miss them so I think going forward there'll be no reconciliation of any sort even if they approach me. It's unlikely that they will but even if they do I'll politely decline any future contact with the lot of them. Actually my future may be in the far east. We'll see.
 
Just in case people are still following my sorry story.

The funeral went as well as can be expected and was well attended but not by my family. None of them showed up. I have mixed feelings about this. I was dreading seeing them so in that respect not seeing them was a relief but I was also sad that my sister didn't show up for her mothers funeral. She'll doubtless take the money though after not speaking to mam once in 18 months or more. The awful message sending niece was also nowhere to be seen. She's another who cut mam off completely but who'll take the money and live happily ever after.

Mam loved cream cakes and tea and biscuits so I headed off to ASDA this morning and filled two storage boxes with them and also filled a bowl with tangerines and another with strawberries. It was lovely to see the attendees tucking in with some eating three or more cream cakes. There are some cakes and biscuits left for the coffee morning tomorrow and maybe also for the after communion coffee/tea and biscuits session on Wednesday. The strawberries all went as did a big box of Ferrero Rocher.
 
woof woof said:
Just in case people are still following my sorry story.

The funeral went as well as can be expected and was well attended but not by my family. None of them showed up. I have mixed feelings about this. I was dreading seeing them so in that respect not seeing them was a relief but I was also sad that my sister didn't show up for her mothers funeral. She'll doubtless take the money though after not speaking to mam once in 18 months or more. The awful message sending niece was also nowhere to be seen. She's another who cut mam off completely but who'll take the money and live happily ever after.

Mam loved cream cakes and tea and biscuits so I headed off to ASDA this morning and filled two storage boxes with them and also filled a bowl with tangerines and another with strawberries. It was lovely to see the attendees tucking in with some eating three or more cream cakes. There are some cakes and biscuits left for the coffee morning tomorrow and maybe also for the after communion coffee/tea and biscuits session on Wednesday. The strawberries all went as did a big box of Ferrero Rocher.
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I'm glad that you have managed to get through today with friends and people who loved your mother and can now move forward with what is best for you and your wife.
 
I hope the day was not too emotional for you. Your Mum lives on in you . . . Now go and live how you want you to, she would not want to see you moping around I'm sure.
 
Onward and upward now WW, live the life your mum would have wanted for you, a year on from losing my mum I still talk to her and think of her, now without fear of disagreement.
Far better with friends than family, one you pick, the other you’re landed with, do what makes you smile, with people doing the same.
 
Blimey, so so sorry for your loss! What an extremely stressful time you have had too.

Families!!!! You cant pick them!

You did your mum proud my friend. You are a loving, caring son. She knew that. She couldnt have wished for a better son.

I hope that you will find peace and rest assured that your mum is at peace.

Take care and God bless
 
woof woof said:
Thanks guys for your kind comments.
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It's really sad when families fall out like this just when they need to pull together . When my parents became elderly and needed help my two sisters, one older, one younger and myself ..set up a rota system with the younger one doing a bit more and getting her daughter in on the help, too because they lived just a few miles away. By the way. As soon as I started reading this I recalled you telling us about your caring problem and your two sisters. I'm sure,though and please correct me if I'm wrong, that back then one of them did show some willing. I also recall that I advised you get power of attorney although your mum was, at most times ok.. So..that was two years ago, was it. Wow.

Our neighbour is 67 and not good on her legs and her husband died last July of cancer. He lived 18 months longer than anticipated but was a skeleton when he died .I used to mow and strim their back lawn in his last months because he was too weak but he felt embarrassed when he had a son-in-law who could do it and who lived 5 minutes drive away so he paid him £50 a month for two mows and strimming. When he died his wife couldn't afford to pay £50 a month. "I rely on that" he said. He just left it. We tried to get someone in....a professional but they charged even more.The grass was getting long so I did it and will do it in future and as soon as it shows signs of needing a quick cut so it it will be easy. Even another neighbour has offered to do a few mows . I haven't seen her son-in-law visit since then....about a month ago. Beggars belief,really.
 
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