How a government department actually works

[Earley Man]

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium".
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration! This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
It is also interesting to note that when catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium- an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

 

[AndrewFlannigan]

Neither funny nor accurate.

My recollections, having worked in various departments as an outsider, is that the vast majority of civil servants are bright, hard working people, who take their jobs very seriously. Conciously or unconciously, they chose to do those jobs because they are socialists (with a small "s") instead of selfishistas.

 

[Mr Bump]

haha i liked that and shared it on a few wotsapp groups

 

[lindsay]

The posted funny should have gone into the Funnies thread but presumably was intended to provoke discussion.
I've been a civil servant as well as a contractor for quite a few years in a govt dept. In neither case would I in general agree with the premise of the OP nor @Andrew Flannigan 's observation about being closet socialists.

I joined the civil service because my parents were civil servants and I was hoping for the same opportunities to travel that my dad had; unfortunately whereas he was a GCHQ "spy", I was a techie programmer for whom overseas postings were extremely rare. So back then I was no socialist at any level, definitely selfish. The Canadian poet Robert Frost summed me up well: "I never dared be radical when young, for fear of being conservative when old".

I do though recognise some of the characteristics of governmentium and administratium in government agencies and even large private sector businesses. I am minded to observe the vast number of different organisations in the NHS that all have to have their own CEO's with presumably concomitant staffing.

 

[AndrewFlannigan]

In neither case would I in general agree with the premise of the OP nor @Andrew Flannigan 's observation about being closet socialists.

I need to correct that because it's the exact opposite of my meaning.

When I wrote

they chose to do those jobs because they are socialists (with a small "s")

I meant that they are people who believe in society and in their duties to that society, as opposed to those who see themselves as against society because it restricts their bad behaviour.

In no way would I ever be unpleasant about civil servants, because I see them as the hard core of our country, much maligned and under appreciated but still carrying on their vital work.

 

[lindsay]

I did not consider it an insult Andrew, more a misrepresentation, but I do agree that a lot of civil servants see themselves motivated by a sense of vocation as public servants. There are plenty of others, notably quite a few first generation immigrants in the central departments in London, who see being a civil servant as a high status occupation because it was in their home countries, and others, the high flyers, who see fast progression in the civil service as a good route to a private sector directorship or quango board appointment.