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>
>Chilli-Cook Off's
>If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
>for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed
>to paramedics at a chilli cook-off in Texas.
>Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
>first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
>
>Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chilli Taster named Frank, who was
>visiting from Springfield, Illinois. Frank: "Recently, I was honoured
to
>be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called
>in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
>judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light Truck, when the
>call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
>Texans)
>that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me
I
>could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge
>#3."
>
>Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
>
>Chilli #1 MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI.....
>
>Judge #1 A little to heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
>Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very Mild
>
>Judge #3 (Frank) - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
>remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
>flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>
>
>
>
>Chilli #2 AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILLI.....
>
>Judge #1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
>Judge #2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
>Judge #3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
>supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people that
wanted
>to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when
>they saw the look on my face.
>
>
>
>Chilli #3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILLI.....
>
>Judge #1 Excellent Firehouse chilli. Great kick.
>
>Judge #2 A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
>Judge #3 Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
>I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
>more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
>backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh ' t-faced
from
>all the beer.
>
>
>
>Chilli #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC.....
>
>Judge #1 Black Bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing
>
>Judge #2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
>other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
>
>Judge #3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
>taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,
>was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
>starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
>chilli an aphrodisiac????
>
>
>
>Chilli #5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER.....
>
>Judge #1 Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
>Judge #2 Chilli using shredded beef could use more tomato. Must admit
>the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
>Judge #3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can
>no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
>chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by
>pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my
>lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
>screaming. Screw them.
>
>
>Chilli #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY.....
>
>Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
spices
>and peppers.
>
>Judge #2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic!
>Superb
>
>Judge #3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filed with gaseous,
>sulfuric flames. I crapped myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will
>eat through my chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
>that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a
>snow cone.
>
>
>
>Chilli #7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILLI.....
>
>Judge #1 A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>
>Judge #2 Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
>worried about Frank / Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
>as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>
>Judge #3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli,
which
>slid unnoticed out of my mouth.. My pants are full of lava to match my
>shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
>I've
>decided to stop breathing it's to painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any
>oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it through the 4-inch hole
>in my stomach.
>
>
>
>Chilli #8 BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILLI.....
>
>Judge #1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not to bold
>but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
>
>Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor
>hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
>out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not
>sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
>reacted to really hot chilli????/
>
>Judge #3 NO REPORT!!!!!
>Chilli-Cook Off's
>If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
>for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed
>to paramedics at a chilli cook-off in Texas.
>Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
>first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
>
>Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chilli Taster named Frank, who was
>visiting from Springfield, Illinois. Frank: "Recently, I was honoured
to
>be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called
>in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
>judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light Truck, when the
>call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
>Texans)
>that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me
I
>could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge
>#3."
>
>Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
>
>Chilli #1 MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI.....
>
>Judge #1 A little to heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
>Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very Mild
>
>Judge #3 (Frank) - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
>remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
>flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>
>
>
>
>Chilli #2 AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILLI.....
>
>Judge #1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
>Judge #2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
>Judge #3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
>supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people that
wanted
>to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when
>they saw the look on my face.
>
>
>
>Chilli #3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILLI.....
>
>Judge #1 Excellent Firehouse chilli. Great kick.
>
>Judge #2 A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
>Judge #3 Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
>I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
>more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
>backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh ' t-faced
from
>all the beer.
>
>
>
>Chilli #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC.....
>
>Judge #1 Black Bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing
>
>Judge #2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
>other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
>
>Judge #3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
>taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,
>was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
>starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
>chilli an aphrodisiac????
>
>
>
>Chilli #5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER.....
>
>Judge #1 Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
>Judge #2 Chilli using shredded beef could use more tomato. Must admit
>the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
>Judge #3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can
>no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
>chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by
>pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my
>lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
>screaming. Screw them.
>
>
>Chilli #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY.....
>
>Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of
spices
>and peppers.
>
>Judge #2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic!
>Superb
>
>Judge #3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filed with gaseous,
>sulfuric flames. I crapped myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will
>eat through my chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
>that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a
>snow cone.
>
>
>
>Chilli #7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILLI.....
>
>Judge #1 A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>
>Judge #2 Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
>worried about Frank / Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
>as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>
>Judge #3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli,
which
>slid unnoticed out of my mouth.. My pants are full of lava to match my
>shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
>I've
>decided to stop breathing it's to painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any
>oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it through the 4-inch hole
>in my stomach.
>
>
>
>Chilli #8 BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILLI.....
>
>Judge #1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not to bold
>but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
>
>Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor
>hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
>out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not
>sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
>reacted to really hot chilli????/
>
>Judge #3 NO REPORT!!!!!
