can never do any right

[archamedes]

Does anyone else get the same problem as me? If you don't do something you are lazy or unhelpful, but when you do help out you are doing it wrong or after something? Me and the wife are going through a rough patch at the moment and seem to be argueing all the time. It seems that no matter what I do im in the wrong, she says she is feeling the same way but i am just getting to the point where its getting impossible to please her. I don't want to split up and do what seems to be too common nowadays where people have a tiff and decide a full on divorce is the answer. I have been with her for 5 years now and we have a 3 year old son together. They both are all i know and i couldnt be apart from them, but i really dont know what to do for the best anymore

 

[TheNissanMan]

Been there before but no expert, wasn't married but split the first time...

Only advise I could possibly give is to try and have a night without the little one where you can both sit down and talk properly with each other being completely and bluntly honest. Say how you feel, what you would like to happen and what you see the problems to be and listen to your partners answers as well...

Try not to get upset with each other and talk it thorugh thoroughly.

The hardest part is the listening! You both need to know what you want and expect from each other and be able to share what you think is going wrong...

Good luck matey, it's a horrible position to be in and hope it all works out

 

[hepburn]

My advice is start laying a patio...

On a more serious note, i'd rather not give real advice but I do extend my best wishes and hope you sort things out. Life has a funny way of carrying on anyway

 

[fracster]

The fact that you feel the need to say that on an internet forum, to loads of people you don`t know,speaks volumes.

Speak to each other about it.

 

[wegotitugetit]

i went through a rough patch recently

i wasnt sleeping and anything made me tick and be very nasty especialy the wife lol

i have now done the count to 5 and think what can i do to make things diffrent and less hard on myself

if she says your not doing it right count to 5 and do it the way she asks i know it hard not to argue but this has helped me so much and we are getting on really well again

we also sat down had a good chat and we seem to be going into the right direction now

 

[archamedes]

The fact that you feel the need to say that on an internet forum, to loads of people you don`t know,speaks volumes.

Speak to each other about it.

i know but i really dont have anyone to talk to. I keep myself to myself and only have a handful of friends, i also suffer from social anziety so my only real form of communication with people and a group of people at that is through the computer. im sad i know

 

[trencheel303]

Does anyone else get the same problem as me? If you don't do something you are lazy or unhelpful, but when you do help out you are doing it wrong or after something? Me and the wife are going through a rough patch at the moment and seem to be argueing all the time. It seems that no matter what I do im in the wrong, she says she is feeling the same way but i am just getting to the point where its getting impossible to please her. I don't want to split up and do what seems to be too common nowadays where people have a tiff and decide a full on divorce is the answer. I have been with her for 5 years now and we have a 3 year old son together. They both are all i know and i couldnt be apart from them, but i really dont know what to do for the best anymore

Yes.

Talk to her, tell her how you feel, that as if nothing you can do is ever right. It's damn frustrating!

 

[trencheel303]

i know but i really dont have anyone to talk to. I keep myself to myself and only have a handful of friends, i also suffer from social anziety so my only real form of communication with people and a group of people at that is through the computer. im sad i know

It's not sad I have it too. Now chin up and talk to her

 

[CT]

i know but i really dont have anyone to talk to. I keep myself to myself and only have a handful of friends, i also suffer from social anziety so my only real form of communication with people and a group of people at that is through the computer. im sad i know

Well Frac put his finger right on the problem - if you find it easier to spill this stuff on an internet forum than to sit down and talk to your wife, then the two of you are in big trouble! Left to fester, this situation is just going to get worse - you really do need to sit down and have a frank and honest chat with your wife. It takes two to tango - or not - I'm sure all the fault doen't lie with her.

If you can't get it sorted then just have a bloody good affair!

Just kidding - I hope you get things sorted out.

 

[Harvey_nikon]

Everyone in a relationship goes through this. I've been with my wife since we turned 16, we are now 28/29 and we've been married a year.

We've been through hell and high water, including me suffering major periods of depression.

We've argued to the point that I have actually punched a wall and broke 2 bones in my right hand, yes it was silly but I honestly thought it was plasterboard and not brick, after all, who makes a cupboard out of brick????
While listening to the other person it's important to realise that no one is perfect and correct all the time, despite thinking we are

Anyway, the answer is communication. Sit down with her and talk about it, both agree from the start that you WON'T raise your voice or get mad and you WILL listen completely to the other person.

Me and my missus have arguments over the silliest of things sometimes, I found saying "oh shut up you silly whore bag (or other silly name)" with a big smile on my face can break the tension, she calls me a silly name, it goes back and forth until we've both chilled out Find out what works for you and go for it

 

[minimeeze]

Been there before but no expert, wasn't married but split the first time...

Only advise I could possibly give is to try and have a night without the little one where you can both sit down and talk properly with each other being completely and bluntly honest. Say how you feel, what you would like to happen and what you see the problems to be and listen to your partners answers as well...

Try not to get upset with each other and talk it thorugh thoroughly.

The hardest part is the listening! You both need to know what you want and expect from each other and be able to share what you think is going wrong...

Good luck matey, it's a horrible position to be in and hope it all works out

Excellent advice there!

It's sometimes really difficult to be brutally honest with each other, finding the right words to say, and hearing what your OH has to say, but it's important that you do this. Good communication is a must in any relationship.

I was with my ex (boyfriend, not husband... we never did the marriage thing) for 11 years and ended up drifting apart because we didn't communicate. He was depressed, I missed all the telltale signs and our relationship just came undone. Neither of us really verbalised how we felt or how we could change things until it was too late.

I've been with my current partner for just over 5 years, and learned from past mistakes. We are not scared of saying how we feel when things aren't going well, or when one of us pees the other one off (usually me peeing him off!). Stress, hormones, depression can all contribute to irritability (especially PMT!!!). So, find time and space and TALK to each other.

Hope you work your way through it

 

[Ian D J]

i know but i really dont have anyone to talk to. I keep myself to myself and only have a handful of friends, i also suffer from social anziety so my only real form of communication with people and a group of people at that is through the computer. im sad i know

While I'm single and so therefore I can't offer any real advice on your current circumstances, I do know exactly how it is on that social anxiety front. I, too, prefer to keep myself to myself where I'd much rather keep things as simple as possible by knowing as few people as possible. You'd be surprised on how many people do feel that way.
I hope you do find your way through that rough patch and that you'll get there in the end.

 

[u8myufo]

The fact that you feel the need to say that on an internet forum, to loads of people you don`t know,speaks volumes.

Speak to each other about it.

I was married for 21yrs first time around and it got to that stage with us. the onlky good thing was that the children were a lot older when we did split. Due to the stress of everyday life and as usual money concerns we were slowly drifting apart. because it was a slow process we could not see what was happening, in the end arguing was kinda of the norm and it was always over little things.

Everybodys case is different :shrug: I never stopped loving the wife up until the day I moved out, but after it was like the world had been lifted off my shoulders and it gave me time to sit back and think of how it got to that situation. At first I blamed myself but after speaking to a marriage guidance lady who was also a phycologist, she told me that the blame will never be with one person, the percentage of blame might be different either way but it always takes two.

And from that day on I have always said to people that have got married, no matter how trivial you think a problem might be talk about it on the day or next day.Dont shrug it off because it will all start to build up and start niggling inside you. My ex had a very bad upbringing as a child so when ours came along everything had to involve the children 7 days a week. We might have on a few ocassions gone out for the odd party or two but never had a weekend away without the children, quality time is something you need together to unwind and talk.

Marriage is a test imo, and none of us know if we are going to pass that test until we are still together in our old age and can say yep!! "we passed"

 

[kevshore]

Dave, every relationship situation/problem can be different mate. It will be our 25th anniversary this year. Marriage isn't a bowl of roses all of the time. But when you get in a rut, you make that extra special effort on both parts to show each other that you still LOVE each other. I noticed that word was missing in your post mate. Without it, you've no chance of sorting it out.
Rekindling it isn't difficult. If you WANT to. Take the little un out for a walk in the country, in a park/woods. Have fun as a family. Laugh, play, do what you used to do.
The whole country has heard nothing but depressing news for a year or so now. It rubs off eventually and gets you down.
Sometimes heavy discussions can make things worse. Go out as a family, show each other how much you mean to each other and show that son of yours that mummy and daddy can still laugh. They soon pick up on things mate.
Just think about this, how would you feel if some other bloke was taking her and your son out to the park? Pretty crap? Then sort it mate. Because thats what will happen if you dont.
Good luck and get onto it.


Kev.

 

[Samphire]

If your not sure how to start conversation's without it seeming like it's an argument you could start it by discussing all the things you still love about one an other, quirks, meals, memories etc ... take yourselves back to a happy time and maybe try to re-create those or make a real effort to create some new 'good memories'. Could be a way of escaping the rut you are in at the moment.

 

[ladysue]

Dave, every relationship situation/problem can be different mate. It will be our 25th anniversary this year. Marriage isn't a bowl of roses all of the time. But when you get in a rut, you make that extra special effort on both parts to show each other that you still LOVE each other. I noticed that word was missing in your post mate. Without it, you've no chance of sorting it out.
Rekindling it isn't difficult. If you WANT to. Take the little un out for a walk in the country, in a park/woods. Have fun as a family. Laugh, play, do what you used to do.
The whole country has heard nothing but depressing news for a year or so now. It rubs off eventually and gets you down.
Sometimes heavy discussions can make things worse. Go out as a family, show each other how much you mean to each other and show that son of yours that mummy and daddy can still laugh. They soon pick up on things mate.
Just think about this, how would you feel if some other bloke was taking her and your son out to the park? Pretty crap? Then sort it mate. Because thats what will happen if you dont.
Good luck and get onto it.


Kev.

Very good advice here from Kev- Thats probably why he has been married for 25 years. I was married for 19 years when my husband died suddenly. All marriages go through bad periods but surviving them makes the relationship stronger so dont panic about your current bad patch.

Listening to each other is important and having fun together is good too. Mums usually like to have a short time each week without their child, on their own or with a friend. Ask your wife if she would like that and try to organise it with her. I'm sure you wouldnt mind looking after your little boy if neccessary , although granparents can often help.Also try to get out together regularly or get gran to have your boy for the night so you can get quality time together, or a nights sleep!

Please dont give up too easily on your marriage, little boys are particularly upset and affected long term by break ups.

I dont think there is any problem with asking for advice on here. If you want to PM me any time I will chat to you more.
Sue

 

[Sparkles33]

What made you fall in love with each other?
Apologies if this is out of line, but I think you may have forgotton how to enjoy each others company and how things were in the begining of your relationship. You see each other daily and you've both started taking each other for granted, thus began to focus on each others annoying little habits?

 

[Cobra]

What you have to realise is that, according to women,
men only have two faults
1) everything they say.
2) everything they do.

Sorry not much help was it?
Seriously,
there has been some really good advice offered here.
Try talking it through,
but at the end of the day, if there is "nothing there",
it will be tough, but don't stay "just because of the kid.
That will cause more arguments and you may end up hating each other
that does no one any good least of all the kid.

And I do see where you are coming from, posting that to a bunch of faceless individuals on a forum,
I doubt that any know you so you should get unbiased opinions.
What ever happens, good luck

 

[archamedes]

I thank everyone for your help here, Its all been usefull. We made everything up (for the meantime) and daddy brought home the bacon so hopefully things are ok. I couldn't blame her for everything because i know i was to blame too and when i got the hump i can be a real stubborn sod and definatly no use when it comes to sorting things out

 

[sheddy]

It's easy to sit down and talk about what the things are that you feel are wrong in your relationship, it's harder to actually action the remedy.

The better you treat your wife, the better she will treat you.

If you stop trying to please her, she will stop pleasing you.

It takes work. I only found this out when my wife told me that the only reason she wasn't taking action to get me out of the house was because I am the father of our children. That made me take stock of what really mattered to me and what mattered was my wife and kids but somewhere along the line I had disregarded them and become very selfish.

It was hard to begin with, putting thier needs before mine was something that I had become unaccustomed to. But with work and consideration to her and the kids, we now seem to be back on track ... and my life is better than it has ever been. The more consideration I show the missus, the more consideration she shows me.

It takes thought, hard work and the realisation that most arguements are not about what you think they are, they are about ego. The point that your argueing about loses focus but your ego won't let you concede the point.