Death of a loved one, and how to deal with it? [sensitive]

Cagey75

Cagey75

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My daughter Emily passed away Sunday just gone, after a 10mth battle with a very rare form of ovarian cancer. It was inevitable, but I always kept hope that she would beat it somehow. She was written off back in Aug, they told us [she was still just 17 at the time] she wouldn't make it to Christmas. We celebrated her 18th birthday in style, she got through Christmas still active, though new year and my 50th birthday [her mam's 46th and sister's 22nd] and fought like a champ all the way to Feb 22nd, at 8:20pm she passed at home, peacefully - the only comfort we have.

Many of us have experienced death of loved ones, but when it's your child it's another level. I don't know what to think/feel, I've been trying to stay strong for so long for her, but now she's gone I'm a mess. How do you deal with this level of grief? I guess is what I'm asking.

We are consoling one another with funny stories about her, which I find helps a bit. If any of you have been through this I'd love to hear how you coped, what is your story? what did you do to make it through?

Thanks.
 
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blimey that is a real tough one and i don't think there are many words of comfort that will cover this off.
I think the thing is to take time out and grieve for sure , my wife lost her mum very suddenly just over a year ago.
It all literally happened in a week, we were on holiday in Canary Islands and she just got a call her mum had been diagnosed with an inoperable aortic aneurism and had 2-5 days, i won't go into the details as I think i posted them up here a bit like you are doing, but it was just awful, there are no words to describe how much pain came out, so my final comment is to be fair let all the pain just come out and also allow your family also to let it all out.... :-(
 
Cagey75 said:
Many of us have experienced death of loved ones, but when it's your child it's another level. I don't know what to think/feel, I've been trying to stay strong for so long for her, but now she's gone I'm a mess. How do you deal with this level of grief? I guess is what I'm asking.
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I'm really sorry to hear this happened Keith, it's a dreadful thing to walk through. We lost our daughter aged 15 in a car accident nearly 21 years ago - it's a bit different to your situation because one moment she was there and the next gone, where as you've had to live with this hanging over you for months.

First thing to say is that one doesn't 'get over it', but rather you live through it, and life goes on around you even when you feel like the world needs to stop. I think some of the toughest times can come after the funeral, because for most people it's all over and done with that, where as you're having to continue living where you walk the grief daily while everyone else is back to normal. Going home and shutting the door with you on the inside is really difficult. What does seem to happen is that gradually over the years it all becomes a bit less immediate, it bites less often and the memories that bring tears and pain come less frequently - but it does take years.

We took the conscious decision that we would stay together, continue with each other, and we have done so. There can come a strong desire to start again, and we had to decide not to allow that thinking to flourish and grow. We were a little younger than you too, and again chose not to try for a replacement.

If you think it would help to talk off-line about this then PM me and we can exchange details. Sometimes - possibly quite often too - you'll find there are no words for what's going on. Having friends willing to just be with you without a need to talk can be hepful.
 
Sorry to read this Keith. Best wishes to you and yours.

I think we have to accept it's a process that you have to go through and it takes time and it changes over time. There'll always be times when the memories come back and they'll bring upset and tears and perhaps anger too but there'll be love in those memories too. Hopefully you have supportive family and friends to help you through this. Our thoughts will be with you.

A PS.
I lost my mam and before and after that my family imploded so I had the two issues to deal with. I had my wife and the church and friends and without them I'd have been in a worse state. In past times when I've been in a lot of pain I've focused on an imagined date in the future at which I'd be better. Every day, hour and even minute I lived through got me closer to that imagined target date. That did help.
 
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Hard one Keith , not yet had anything like that to deal with , but a few weeks ago the oldest granddaughter ( 34) was diagnosed with a brain tumor , she has been fast tracked to Walton cancer unit .. but all they have done is scans with more planned .. so basically we are in limbo .. so you have my deepest sympathy its something none of us want to face . Just hope you can get through it o.k
 
Really sorry for your loss mate truly horrible. I lost my Mum after her being in care and a total vegetable for 3 years.

Let yourself cry, wail , shout at the sky. Whatever eases it for a second will eventually ease it for longer. Try to look past the suffering and at the happy, funny things in her life. It doest get much easier but it does become more bearable as time goes by. It may be worth talking to a bereavement councillor too.

I won't offer you an internet hug, but wish you well.
 
So sorry to hear this, I've never had to experience anything like this, the closest was our son making noises about his mortality and that alone freaked us out but I can't imagine your situation. I think if it were me I would like to do something special in her memory, create a memory box, a special place to visit that she loved to go to, or plant a tree in her honour that you can always visit and remember her.

Our neighbour lost her son at around Christmas time about 50 years ago. Every year she always writes about him, she never forgets, but I can see that it is still painful after all these years.

We found that a local support group helped with us, even if it was just to know that we weren't alone with our struggle and to hear that other people were going through similar.
 
Heartfelt sympathies go out to you and your family Keith. There are no words. Toni above said all the right things and his empathy may help.

As a former bereavement counsellor with CRUSE Bereavement Care, I would encourage you to contact your local CRUSE branch if there is one, as they have usually got both counsellors and support groups which can both help in different ways.

As Toni said, time does not heal but it does bring perspective. Being able to share memories is a help, as you've found, but nothing seems to fill that huge hole, and assuage the anger, and support that helplessness, but knowing it's a shared set of feelings, and being heard in your grief, can help to get you through.
 
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I lost my daughter 24/09/1993 aged 9 months after a heart op at Bristol Royal Infirmary, we had a few more hits on top of the loss, but that's another story.
One thing people always say is that we shouldn't have to bury our children, but we do.
Initially we just put one foot in front of the other almost like a zombie, just keep going through the motions, some friends will shine, some will run and hide from you.
I equate the pain of loss to a huge gash in my flesh, it was patched up and it may well to scab over, but there will be moments and situations that rip that wound wide apart again, I can promise that with time it becomes scar tissue, it never disappears but the pain and discomfort become less.
I found I had to make mental rules to fight the thought of ending it all, the temptation to give the steering wheel a quick turn towards a concrete wall driving on the motorway - it would have been the easy painless way out for me, but I would have left my wife and other children to cope with even more pain.
Time is a healer and I managed over time to turn that loss on its head, now I have gratitude for the time we had, gratitude for the realisation of how much value, love, and pleasure our children give.
Talk, never try to hide the emotion, your loved ones need to know and understand your pain, in some ways it helps them to see how much you are suffering and dealing with it rather than trying to suppress it.
Those closest to you are generally not the best counsellors, another vote for CRUSE being able to express honest thoughts without judgement, when the time feels right is a massive help.
As grief subsides all we can really do is live for them and not feel guilty for doing so, celebrate their wonderful existence.
I have always found solace in a poem called Death Is Nothing At All By Henry Scott-Holland
I will light a candle for Emily tonight.
 
Thanks all , I can see I'm not alone in having experienced this. It was painful when my Mam passed, she went quick so it was shock for the most part at first, then months of sorrow. This journey with Emily has been very different, though we feel we started the mourning process months back [as it was, sadly, inevitable] I always maintained hope! I was in denial for a long time, hoping someone would find a miracle cure. The type of cancer she had [small cell ovarian] has taken 315 women since 2014 ... worldwide! That's how rare and so unlucky she was.

Reading your stories helps, I sympathise, NOBODY should have to go through this. @billy nomates that is tragic, she never got to live proper ... life is so cruel. I've said it so many times to family and friends, I would have swapped with our Emily in a heartbeat! I've got to live a bit, she was only just beggining :/
 
Heart wrenching.
How merciless life can be. I can never find a reason why it must be so.

"But pleasures are like poppies spread
You seize the flower, it's bloom is shed;
Or like the snow-fall in the river
A moment white, then melts forever"
(Robert Burns)
 
arclight said:
Heart wrenching.
How merciless life can be. I can never find a reason why it must be so.

"But pleasures are like poppies spread
You seize the flower, it's bloom is shed;
Or like the snow-fall in the river
A moment white, then melts forever"
(Robert Burns)
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Emily was savvy enough to know her time was short, her and a friend did up a spotify playlist. We had to chose a couple from that, and it might surprise some from an 18yr old that she had purple rain by Prince, and Forever young - Alphaville - that's what we played her out with
 
I can only offer you my deepest condolences Keith and a poem by David Harkins in the hope it may help in some way:

You can shed tears that she is gone,
Or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
Or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she’s gone,
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what she’d want: smile, open your eyes, love, and go on. RIP Emily.
 
Obviously my heartfelt condolences Keith, but that hardly needs saying.

My mum was hit by a car at the end of our road and died in hospital early next morning.
Someone knew her so came and got me, pretty awful seeing her lying there in the road.
It was recorded on CCTV and I saw it happen in real time at the inquest.

I had bit of a mental breakdown, tried to do everything straight away and worked myself into exhaustion.
No siblings or other relations so felt the pressure of having to sort the whole thing out whilst grief struck

What i'm trying to say is if you can try to look after yourself mentally and physically.
No good to anyone if you end up in a bad way and cause more distress all round.
I could easily have started to drink more too, at least I had enough sense left not to go down that dark hole.

Of course it does get better, but even ten years later I still have sad times.
All the best to you and yours and stay strong.
 
Hi Keith, I am so sorry to hear this, when i hear something like this, it is a reminder of the people that my family have lost. My heart cries for you.
 
tijuana taxi said:
Obviously my heartfelt condolences Keith, but that hardly needs saying.

My mum was hit by a car at the end of our road and died in hospital early next morning.
Someone knew her so came and got me, pretty awful seeing her lying there in the road.
It was recorded on CCTV and I saw it happen in real time at the inquest.

I had bit of a mental breakdown, tried to do everything straight away and worked myself into exhaustion.
No siblings or other relations so felt the pressure of having to sort the whole thing out whilst grief struck

What i'm trying to say is if you can try to look after yourself mentally and physically.
No good to anyone if you end up in a bad way and cause more distress all round.
I could easily have started to drink more too, at least I had enough sense left not to go down that dark hole.

Of course it does get better, but even ten years later I still have sad times.
All the best to you and yours and stay strong.
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That must have been so hard seeing your mam like that!

I'm lucky in that I have a bunch of siblings who have been so helpful throughout, it really does make a difference.
 
Today I really felt the emptiness in the house, my other daughter and I sat on Emily's bed and just soaked in the atmosphere she left behind. We made a little arrangement on her desk with flowers, a little forget me not statue and candles, there was a comfort to that. It'll be a long process, I know this, but we are consoling one another and sharing funny stories about her quirky humour. Talking about it definitely helps, if only a little.
 
We are driving home to Cornwall from mums house in London. She died on new years eve and I've spent most of the last 6 months doing this trip to look after her at home and finally in hospital.
We are now clearing out the house, going through a lifes worth of letters, photos, and the things one gathers during that life.
Grief is so hard, and as others have said, let it out when you want and need to. I am right now, thankfully my wife has just taken over the driving.
The car is so full of things to go through, we've got mum's ashes and have been talking about where to distribute them (we've had a lot of recent practice at this) and this, along with arranging flowers and candles like you've been doing are such a good way to get some sort of comfort or release.
I tried Cruse but they didn't offer face to face help which I need, but I found and have seen a couple of bereavement counsellors which has already been brilliant as I can offload, fall apart and let the tears flood out without being a burden on my wife or children who are all suffering in the same way.
You sound like an open, loving and caring person and I imagine you to be a generous one too - I've found it so helpful to be able to support my family, to bring back memories of granny and to hug them and cry together, especially as I now have a counsellor.
I'm finding it hard to put into words what I want to say but I do know how much I've got from the occasional message I've had from camera club members, mums neighbours, letters from her friends who I've never met and even her dentist, pharmacist and the man who runs the vegetable stall where she used to shop. I hope the replies here help, even if only momentarily.
Distraction (for me) is a wonderful way to get through a tough moment and so often brings back a happy memory. I've not picked up my camera yet this year but after my best friend died a couple of years ago I made a point of taking a few snaps of places and moments that meant something to us. This is one of those, where we often go to have a chat with him, a laugh and a cry.
Take it easy on yourself Keith. 50974.jpg
Edit to say that writing this has taken me best part of an hour as I've tried to find a way to say anything vaguely helpful amidst the tears. If nothing else it's so long it may offer a little distraction..
 
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stevewestern said:
We are driving home to Cornwall from mums house in London. She died on new years eve and I've spent most of the last 6 months doing this trip to look after her at home and finally in hospital.
We are now clearing out the house, going through a lifes worth of letters, photos, and the things one gathers during that life.
Grief is so hard, and as others have said, let it out when you want and need to. I am right now, thankfully my wife has just taken over the driving.
The car is so full of things to go through, we've got mum's ashes and have been talking about where to distribute them (we've had a lot of recent practice at this) and this, along with arranging flowers and candles like you've been doing are such a good way to get some sort of comfort or release.
I tried Cruse but they didn't offer face to face help which I need, but I found and have seen a couple of bereavement counsellors which has already been brilliant as I can offload, fall apart and let the tears flood out without being a burden on my wife or children who are all suffering in the same way.
You sound like an open, loving and caring person and I imagine you to be a generous one too - I've found it so helpful to be able to support my family, to bring back memories of granny and to hug them and cry together, especially as I now have a counsellor.
I'm finding it hard to put into words what I want to say but I do know how much I've got from the occasional message I've had from camera club members, mums neighbours, letters from her friends who I've never met and even her dentist, pharmacist and the man who runs the vegetable stall where she used to shop. I hope the replies here help, even if only momentarily.
Distraction (for me) is a wonderful way to get through a tough moment and so often brings back a happy memory. I've not picked up my camera yet this year but after my best friend died a couple of years ago I made a point of taking a few snaps of places and moments that meant something to us. This is one of those, where we often go to have a chat with him, a laugh and a cry.
Take it easy on yourself Keith. View attachment 475960
Edit to say that writing this has taken me best part of an hour as I've tried to find a way to say anything vaguely helpful amidst the tears. If nothing else it's so long it may offer a little distraction..
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Sorry for your loss, I know when I lost my mam [11yrs back now] it took me a long time to get over. She was just 65.

Counselling is definitely something we are looking into , and I feel we need it. The impact of this is even more immense than Mam passing - but she went fast, and I remember it was more shock than sadness for a while, but regardless you're left with the emptiness afterward. Emily was sick for the best part of a year, and as her diagnosis incresingly worsened, I feel we had already begun to grieve before Christmas [esp as they kept telling us she may not be here for it]

I too have found a lot of comfort in people just coming up and hugging me, or sending lovely messages [as well as flowers, gifts, cards etc] - you really do find out who's who!

I had to collect a script from the chemist other day and the pharmacist came out from behind the counter to give me a bit squeezy hug, similar happened in other places I would frequent. They all say 'I have no words' - you don't need to, just showing you care is enough.

We should receive Emily's ashes soon, we're still trying to decide what exactly to do with that. Definitely a memorial in our garden, also looking at lockets for the 3 of us here and maybe a small urn. Ashes can be split, so we have many options.

Thanks for your post
 
Sorry to hear of your loss. I can't begin to imagine what you and your family are going through, my thoughts are with you all at such a difficult time. I can only echo what others have said and allow yourself time to grieve and come to terms with with what has happened, be there for each other, support each other and don't be afraid to seek the help of a councillor.
 
There is nothing I can say which will add to what had been said by others, however perhaps in some small way this, which was said to me by a friend when my dearly loved father died, may help "To live on in the hearts of those we leave behind is not to die."
 
Earley Man said:
There is nothing I can say which will add to what had been said by others, however perhaps in some small way this, which was said to me by a friend when my dearly loved father died, may help "To live on in the hearts of those we leave behind is not to die."
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This is similar to what I've said to anyone who offered condolence in person, that she will live on in my heart as long as I live.
 
Cagey75 said:
My daughter Emily passed away Sunday just gone, after a 10mth battle with a very rare form of ovarian cancer. It was inevitable, but I always kept hope that she would beat it somehow. She was written off back in Aug, they told us [she was still just 17 at the time] she wouldn't make it to Christmas. We celebrated her 18th birthday in style, she got through Christmas still active, though new year and my 50th birthday [her mam's 46th and sister's 22nd] and fought like a champ all the way to Feb 22nd, at 8:20pm she passed at home, peacefully - the only comfort we have.

Many of us have experienced death of loved ones, but when it's your child it's another level. I don't know what to think/feel, I've been trying to stay strong for so long for her, but now she's gone I'm a mess. How do you deal with this level of grief? I guess is what I'm asking.

We are consoling one another with funny stories about her, which I find helps a bit. If any of you have been through this I'd love to hear how you coped, what is your story? what did you do to make it through?

Thanks.
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So sorry to hear about your loss. Losing a child must be one of the most difficult things to face.

I lost my Dad, 2 close friends and my father in law in the space of a couple of months , they all died suddenly and unexpectedly and it was devastating and a huge shock. In all honesty grief is something you just don't get over and even now 8 years or so down the line there isn't a day I don't think about all of them.

Time doesn't heal all wounds but it does get easier to deal with as time goes on.

Just on Sunday past there I went to the footy with my wee brother. Going to Old Trafford since my Dad's death has always been difficult as it was one of the few things that we always did together and it took me some time to be able to go back after. Visits there now are as much about paying homage to our Dad as it is about going for anything else.

Embrace the memories, look at the photos and videos, we wish we had a lot more of our Dad and my Father in law.
 
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f/1.2 said:
So sorry to hear about your loss. Losing a child must be one of the most difficult things to face.

I lost my Dad, 2 close friends and my father in law in the space of a couple of months , they all died suddenly and unexpectedly and it was devastating and a huge shock. In all honesty grief is something you just don't get over and even now 8 years or so down the line there isn't a day I don't think about all of them.

Time doesn't heal all wounds but it does get easier to deal with as time goes on.

Just on Sunday past there I went to the footy with my wee brother. Going to Old Trafford since my Dad's death has always been difficult as it was one of the few things that we always did together and it took me some time to be able to go back after. Visits there now are as much about paying homage to our Dad as it is about going for anything else.

Embrace the memories, look at the photos and videos, we wish we had a lot more of our Dad and my Father in law.
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You're right about that, my mother died suddnly 11 years back, I still miss her , I still can't believe she was taken so sudden, she's always in my thoughts. I know it's going to be harder with Emily, she was my baby [though just turned 18] - such a huge part of my existence. She had such a great personality, so good natured, I do aim to learn a thing or two from her!

One great thing about our hobby [it is just that for me at least] is that I have tonnes of great images of her, she was my mini muse, so photogenic [she had a mop of mad curls as a kid :D ] and was never camera shy until she hit her teens. we have a bunch of great , fun videos of her too, I think I have watched most of them a dozen times over this week!
 
i just lost my mum on sunday morning, shes been deteriorating for the past 2 years but took a sudden dip 2 weeks ago,were all heartbroken but i take solace in the fact i was with her at the end and holding her hand, she saw me into the world and i saw her out , RIP mum
 
Brendan Mulachy said:
i just lost my mum on sunday morning, shes been deteriorating for the past 2 years but took a sudden dip 2 weeks ago,were all heartbroken but i take solace in the fact i was with her at the end and holding her hand, she saw me into the world and i saw her out , RIP mum
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Sorry to hear about your Mum, may she rest in peace

That is the one comfort I have about Emily's passing, that her sister, her mum and I were there for her final moments. We held her hand, massaged her scalp - which she loved since she lost her hair through Chemo, [it was just growing back :( ] and embraced her as she took her final breaths.

It's week 3 now and it's been harder than the previous 2, not it's cold harsh reality, less visitors, less for me to organise and keep me busy ... not it's the emptiness, loneliness, the realisation that she is not coming back, she's never coming out of her room to ask what's for tea? or 'can I have some pocket money? lol ... it's all the little things accumulate
 
Cagey75 said:
Sorry to hear about your Mum, may she rest in peace

That is the one comfort I have about Emily's passing, that her sister, her mum and I were there for her final moments. We held her hand, massaged her scalp - which she loved since she lost her hair through Chemo, [it was just growing back :( ] and embraced her as she took her final breaths.

It's week 3 now and it's been harder than the previous 2, not it's cold harsh reality, less visitors, less for me to organise and keep me busy ... not it's the emptiness, loneliness, the realisation that she is not coming back, she's never coming out of her room to ask what's for tea? or 'can I have some pocket money? lol ... it's all the little things accumulate
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I can't press the' like' button because there is nothing to like, but so get your last few lines.
Today I've been clearing out the last of mum's things from her house ready to hand over the keys tomorrow.
We went to a local place for some lunch and the owner came over to have a chat with us about mum. His memories were such an uplifting thing to hear. These things will happen at some point in the future and will fill you with pride and love (again)
Cling on to the thought that this will happen, the emptiness won't go, but you'll find reasons to smile.
I feel so sorry for you.
 
stevewestern said:
I can't press the' like' button because there is nothing to like, but so get your last few lines.
Today I've been clearing out the last of mum's things from her house ready to hand over the keys tomorrow.
We went to a local place for some lunch and the owner came over to have a chat with us about mum. His memories were such an uplifting thing to hear. These things will happen at some point in the future and will fill you with pride and love (again)
Cling on to the thought that this will happen, the emptiness won't go, but you'll find reasons to smile.
I feel so sorry for you.
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I can press the like here, because there's such positivity in your post! I'm experiencing that too, anywhere I go people are recounting little stories they have about Emily, she was so quirky and fun that anyone she touched has nothing but nice things to say, and it does help.

And thank you
 
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